Crock o' Locke...

On the day my friend Christopher Locke
Woke to find himself deeply in hock
He reneged on his promise
To fill the space between commas
With answers that really would rock.

To be interviewed on Sandhill Trek
He had foolishly stuck out his neck
But he tucked in his chin
and he said with a grin
I'd rather be earning a check.

Readers are encouraged to pick any three of the following words to frame another one of the incredible limericks authored by the street artist formerly known as Frank: Lock, flock, sock cock, crock, jock, pock, nock, mock, bach, bock, wok, dock, shock, fock, gawk, tick-tock, block, clock, ach!

Fooey On Frank

Down a blog titled Gonzo Engaged
My mouse wheel had thorougly paged.
When I found nothing funny
I set off to make money
At which Paynter became quite enraged.

Time to Renew my Poetic License

Long dead is Edmund Bentley.
He never seemed that friendly.
One prize that he will never win
Is seeing his name in print again.
- Clerihew T. Clown

There once was a fellow named Marks,
Blogging wireless out in the parks.
He'd sip from his thermos
And blog something earnest
While regretting that he'd left the little tupperware container of melon chunks in the front seat of his car back in the parking lot near his office, then thinking that the chunks of melon reminded him of little 53 byte ATM cells, whereas the whole melon from which they were cut could be thought of as a 1500 byte IP packet, and finally pondering whether it would be easier to jam a whole melon down a land line, or alternatively to atomize the sucker and broadcast it wireless - ignoring privacy and security issues of course -
Chumming bits for the virtual sharks.

Clerihews & Limericks

Frank, a limerick is supposed to scan properly, and has 5 lines rhyming AABBA. A clerihew is the four line one with arbitrarily silly line lengths rhyming AABB, with the first line being someones name:

Clerihews:

Christopher Locke
Likes to shock.
If you're easily enraged,
You probably should avoid Reading Gonzo Engaged

Frank Paynter
's hopes are growing fainter
of his Chris Locke interview going ahead.
He'll just have to keep speculating about packet routing and Quality of Service instead.

Stank

I'm sure a good poetizer could work in the word "stank."

Blimey, it's blimericks!

There once was a blogger named Frank
Whom everyone knew as a crank
It was on New Years Day that he ventured to say
My hopes for an interview with that goddamned Chris Locke have just about like totally
Sank.

R.U.R. "R" Us

  Yes, Jimmy...
you are a robot!  

Hey, I'm Engaged!
And who would have thought, at my age. But like they say: time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas. Which for no particular reason reminds me...

There once was a scribbler named Sessum
Who when asked if she blogged, answered "Yes'm.
Some find it offensive and get ever so tense if
I suggest they can blow me, God bless 'em."

  [cross-posted to Blog Sisters. badabing.]

In The Year 2003

Be safe.

happy new year's RGEers (all four of us)

be safe. get drunk. get drunk for me. write a lot. cry a lot. laugh a lot. see you tomorrow.

everyone's a fucking poet [click the link]

There once was a priest named Kevin
Who liked boys the age of eleven
The Pope said don't fret
Rome hasn't outlawed it yet
Bring the boy and meet me in heaven

No bloggers were harmed in the making of this lymrick. The actors in this lymrick are not based on any realworld individuals. Any resemblances are purely coincidental. As far as we know.
bada bing....

a parent child play in one part - by jeneane

kid: i really don't like your drinking.

parent:

kid: it's not good for you to drink so much. it makes me worry. you don't act like yourself.

parent:

kid: i am so afraid you will die. i'm so afraid to be left alone.

parent:

kid: never mind. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i'm grown.

parent: you'll talk to me if I tell you to talk to me. i'm your parent.

kid:

parent: what's gotten into you? why are you behaving this way?

kid:

parent: I've only loved you. I did the best I could.

kid:

parent: i'm too old to change now.

kid:


The End?
Curtains.
bada fucking bing.

Robot was invented in 1920

Exceprpt of the Play "Rossums Universal Robots" by Karel Capek, 1920

DOMAIN: So young Rossum said to himself: a man is something that, for

instance, feels happy, plays the fiddle, likes going for walks, and, in

fact, wants to do a whole lot of things that aren't fully necessary.



HELENA: Oh!



DOMAIN: Wait a bit. That are unnecessary when he's wanted, let us

say, to weave or count. Do you play the fiddle?



HELENA: No.



DOMAIN: That's a pity. But a working machine must not want to play

the fiddle, must not feel happy, must not do a whole lot of other things.

A petrol motor must not have tassels or ornaments, Miss Glory. And to

manufacture artificial workers is the same thing as to manufacture

motors. The process must be the simplest, and the product must be the 

best from a practical point of view. What sort of worker do you think is

the best from a practical point of view?



HELENA: The best? Perhaps the one who is most honest and hard-

working.



DOMAIN: No, the cheapest. The one whose needs are the smallest.

Young Rossum invented a worker with the minimum amount of requirements. 

He had to simplify him. He rejected everything that did not contribute

directly to the progress of work. He rejected everything that makes

man more expensive. In fact, he rejected man and made the Robot.

 

And the year was 1920. It was The Year of Our Lord, The Decimal System
And in two days it will be 2003. The Year of Our Lord, ???

War with the Newts

If you ever want to turn of your TV and learn about being Human a bit please read any of Karel Capek's books..

Though a writer of novels, visionary romances, travel books, stories, and essays, Karel is best known for his plays. The Insect Play took the world by storm and was performed to great acclaim in London and New York. This pessimistic allegory of man's rapaciousness and stupidity, as duplicated in the insect world, is as neatly contrived as it is uncomfortably true. R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots), which introduced the word robot into the English language, conceives a future in which all workers will be automated. Their ultimate revolt when they acquire souls and the ensuing cotastrophe comprise an exciting, vivid theatrical experience. His last plays, written just before the entry of Hitler into Czechoslovakia, deal with the rise of dictatorship and the terrible consequences of war. Karel Capek died on Christmas Day, 1938.

Merry Xmas Mister Capek (sorry for the delay in sending my best wishes)

What shoud I do with my life?

And now an interesting article from FastCompany

Person A - What shoud I do with my life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?

Person C - Shut up.

Get Your War On

"How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print." - Karl Kraus
Get Your War On.

P.S. (Bondage Gear Opitonal)
Bada Bing

Worst Practice Embetterred

The Worst Practice got a hold of me and I attributed to Kevin Marks the excellent piece written by Jerome Klapka Jerome. Neverthereless the award stays with Kevin since he, by himself and without any help from the Submarine Wives Club, has quoted those nice paragraphs from the travelling writer.

Thanks, but not my work.

That was Jerome K Jerome, in his 1891 book 'Diary of a Pilgrimage'

Honey. I have to leave you for 3 months

Submarine Wives Club presents a free advice aka. 10 Tips for Handling stress. And while you are at it visit the 'Depression' section.

And the winner is

Kevin Marks has just won a fresh supply of nuclear submarines to be parked in his fish tank. Congratulations.

Why is Kevin Marks a winner you may ask?

Well, because he writes brilliant shit and I write about submarines, that's why.

Here is the winning piece of prose:

"As a man works, so Society deals by him.
To me Society says: "You sit at your desk and write, that is all I want you to do. You are not good for much, but you can spin out yards of what you and your friends, I suppose, call literature; and some people seem to enjoy reading it. Very well: you sit there and write this literature, or whatever it is, and keep your mind fixed on that. I will see to everything else for you. I will provide you with writing materials, and books of wit and humour, and paste and scissors, and everything else that may be necessary to you in your trade; and I will feed you and clothe you and lodge you, and I will take you about to places that you wish to go to; and I will see that you have plenty of tobacco and all other things practicable that you may desire-provided that you work well. The more work you do, and the better work you do, the better I shall look after you. You write-that is all I want you to do."
"But," I say to Society, "I don't like work; I don't want to work. Why should I be a slave and work?"
"All right," answers Society, "don't work. I'm not forcing you. All I say is, that if you don't work for me, I shall not work for you. No work from you, no dinner from me-no holidays, no tobacco."
And I decide to be a slave, and work."

- And I decided to write about Submarines. As you can see I am screwed in the eyes of society.

I've invited this man

David Williams:
1. is reading Gonzo Engaged
2. is as cross with Amazon's Customer service cyborgs as I am
3. has good taste in blog colour schemes.

A Winning Ad. Single Female Looking

Hello, I am an attractive, fun, caring and giving 31 year old woman. I try to always be honest and to be understanding. I want to enjoy life and spend time with someone who is kind and fun. I want someone who is my best friend first of all, lover and partner in life. I am easy going, easily amused and I want to try new things like being a female submariner.

More about me:
My most ideal place to live is: Submarine
When it comes to my place: it's not perfect but it's close and everything is within easy reach.
When it comes to Television I: surf indefinitely until I throw up.
My fashion sense can be described as: Uniform. Not dressy

Turn Ons:
Skinny Dipping
Ocean

Turn Offs:
Long Hair
Body Piercings



Bada Bing

The necessity for female sumbariners

"Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen, France, May 1431, under the general sobriquet of witchcraft. What can the distant mirror of that 19-year-old's execution reveal to us about the Inquisitionesque opposition of American admirals to female submariners?" That's a very good question.

"...The student of military affairs must come to terms with the global-historical ascension of the female-at-arms...For example, Clark University professor Cynthia Enloe explores the causes and ramifications of the militarization of what was once patronizing known as the "fair sex" in an exhaustive study covering almost all of the most controversial aspects of expanded roles for women on the doorstep of 21st century warfighting. The author explains that the globe's servicewomen, increasing integrated into the combat arms, (e.g., a picture and discussion of Bosnian female soldiery charging positions during training with submachine guns is particularly striking) exposes the fallacy, sterility and fervid impracticality of US restrictions on females-at-arms. Professor Enloe points out that "many women have been maneuvered to play a military supportive role," limiting their horizons artificially."

Hollywood will make a movie about it.
Please send your scripts soon.
We must make another war movie. This time about female submariners. It'll be a hit.

BaDA bING.

Shakespeare's modern rewrite for the Plasma Screen

"TV or not TV.
This is a question"

The End

Stay Tuned for an award winning video of the title song performed by Hamleta MC.

Banana self-defense

Sgt.: ....Bananas.  How to defend yourself

       against a man armed with a banana.  Now you, come at me with this

       banana.  Catch!  Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man

       armed with a banana.  First of all you force him to drop the banana;

       then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him.  You have now

       rendered him 'elpless.

Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.:  Shut up.

Idle:  Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.:  Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman: 'Arrison.

Sgt.:  Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison.  Come at me with that banana.  Hold it like that,

       that's it.  Now attack me with it.  Come on!  Come on!  Come at me!

       Come at me then!  (Shoots him.)

Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.:  Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

Palin: You shot him!

Jones: He's dead!

Idle:  He's completely dead!

Sgt.:  I have now eaten the banana.  The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.:  Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones: But you told him to.

Sgt.:  Look, I'm only doing me job.  I have to show you how to defend

       yourselves against fresh fruit

MORE FLYING CIRCUS HERE...

Xmas Nigerians Amazon Invasion

We are very sorry Mister Marks for causing a fuckup in your xmas. We have been testing our Nigerian Bots at Amazon for this holliday season and you were hand picked out of the millions of shoppers to be part of the study. However we didn't realize that a bunch of real flesh Nigerian were hiding inside of bots that were transported to Amazon HQ. The Nigerians tore up the Bots and started attacking Giant Teddy Bears mistaking them for some kind of demons. The inasion has been squelched and all Nigerians have been sent back to tending their sheep back in the hot African interior. We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you and would like to make it up to you by offering your 20% of a possible millions in payout from the money stashed away in Nigeria. If you are ready to help us and receive your reward please email your credit card number and a secret pin and we'll return your Amazon money plus the handsome 20% in our loot.

Please keep this correspondence private.
Dr. Oseke Gumbaratolgbna

Permission Statement

Craig Jensen of Booknotes responds to the Ad Hominen article - "We're giving ourselves permission to be outlaws"

Twas the night before Christmas, and Amazon suck

Extracts from a seasonal correspondence with Amazon's bots.

NAME: Kevin Marks
COMMENTS: this hasn't arrived and is not showing up in tracking at
all. What happened to it?

ORDER DETAILS
***********************************************************
Shipping Details (order will arrive in 1 shipment)
***********************************************************
Shipping method: Two Day Shipping
Shipping estimate: December 21, 2002
Delivery estimate: December 24, 2002

----------
On Tuesday, December 24, 2002, at 04:07 PM, cust.service02@amazon.com
wrote:

Thank you for writing to us at Amazon.com.

We have cancelled your order (#002-6250770-4146435) because we were
unable to successfully charge your credit card for this order. You are
welcome to return to our web site and place a new order for the same
items using an alternate method of payment.

We appreciate your business and hope to see you again soon.


Happy Holidays,

Tim Winter
Amazon.com... And You're Done
http://www.amazon.com
==============================
Check your order and more: http://www.amazon.com/your-account


We would appreciate your feedback on our customer service. Follow
the link below if you would like to let us know how we are doing -
your input is invaluable!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/cs-experience-survey/-/raty5047
--------------

Date: Wed Dec 25 01:37:38 PST 2002
Subject: Re: Your Amazon.com Order (#002-6250770-4146435)
To: cust.service02@amazon.com
From: kevinmarks@mac.com

Well, you have thoroughly fucked up my christmas by not bothering to
tell me this.

The last I heard from you was an email on the 21st saying the order
was coming on the 24th. My wife is now missing a very personal present.

Frankly, this is not the standard of service I expect from Amazon. I
have plenty of credit on both my credit card and my debit card, so I
can only assume you have charged an obsolete card in your records.

Tim Winter is a suspiciously fictitious name.

Amazon's customer service is your only real asset, as this account
makes clear.

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/12/19/business/19SCEN.html

You have violated my trust, and I don't expect to be buying from you
again.

Rest assured I will tell my friends.
---------------

On Wednesday, December 25, 2002, at 01:40 AM, orders-reply@amazon.com wrote:

Thank you for writing to us at Amazon.com.

Unfortunately, we are unable to determine exactly why your credit
card was declined. A charge can be declined for a variety of
reasons, some of which may not be related to the validity of the
credit card. For example, sometimes a technical error during
processing can cause a charge to decline. For this reason, we often
try processing the charge again at a later time.

However, you may want to contact your issuing bank to inquire about
their policies regarding electronic or internet purchases. Some
banks do place certain restrictions on such purchases, and this may
be the source of the problem.

Alternatively, if the card has been updated or revised in any way
recently, we will need to receive that new information so that we
can process this order successfully for you.

You may submit new or updated payment information for this order
by clicking the "Your Account" link at the top of our web site
and then clicking "Changing payment."

I am sorry not to have more specific information for you regarding
your credit card. We appreciate your business and hope to see you
again soon in our store. Thank you for shopping with Amazon.com.


Happy Holidays,

Sachin Verma
Amazon.com... And You're Done
http://www.amazon.com
==============================
Check your order and more: http://www.amazon.com/your-account


We would appreciate your feedback on our customer service. Follow
the link below if you would like to let us know how we are doing -
your input is invaluable!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/cs-experience-survey/-/geuy4875

--------------
From: Kevin Marks
Date: Wed Dec 25, 2002 2:09:58 AM US/Pacific
To: orders-reply@amazon.com
Cc: Jeff Bezos
Subject: Re: Your Amazon.com Order

Be that as it may, not informing me promptly after it had been declined was unconscionably lax on your part. Silently dropping the order meant that I had to dash around the neighbourhood at 4.30pm on Christmas Eve to find an inferior substitute gift.

The whole point of using Amazon's expensive service is to get a service. If you drop my order on the floor and cannot explain why, and don't bother to tell me until after I complain because it is too late you negate the whole reason for your existence.

Next time I want some esoteric CDs for my wife to enjoy I'm off to eBay, where there is at least some sanction against fuck-witted response from vendors, instead of endless boilerplate exculpatory responses from people who fail the Turing test.

Rest assured I will be publishing this correspondence.

Uncle Sugar Wants You

"Persons of the Year..." gag me with a farghhing spork. "Men," in the generic sense - or "women" because they are three - or even "PEOPLE" because that's a plural identifier: TIME Magazine, embroiled in lawsuits even now with Stephen Hawking for brand infringement and trademark devaluation couldn't risk using PEOPLE of the year 'cuz they own both trademarks, TIME and PEOPLE, and they didn't want to dilute the other brand. That's gotta be it.

Of course it's not. These clueless birdbrainians thought they'd step up swinging with a hip, trendy and POLITICALLY CORRECT descriptor, so they chose "Persons of the Year."

I must puke now.

Time Learns of Bloggers--Reverses Its Person of Year Award

It appears we at Time Magazine have made a terrible mistake. we were not aware of this thing called "blogging" when we selected the corporate whistle blowers as persons of the year. holy shit. How long have you people been doing this? We just read this article by one of your blogger friends and now realize we have been scooped! It appears others have lost their jobs for speaking. It appears that these "blogger" people brought Trent Lott's recent racist remarks to the surface before others in our business, well, before us.

WHO KNEW? We at Time did not know. We do not like the Internet. Oh, sure, we have a website. But that is just so the dweeby guys here have something to do.

We have reversed our persons of the year. Bloggers are now our Persons of the Year.

We hope you will buy our magazine.