Xmas Nigerians Amazon Invasion

We are very sorry Mister Marks for causing a fuckup in your xmas. We have been testing our Nigerian Bots at Amazon for this holliday season and you were hand picked out of the millions of shoppers to be part of the study. However we didn't realize that a bunch of real flesh Nigerian were hiding inside of bots that were transported to Amazon HQ. The Nigerians tore up the Bots and started attacking Giant Teddy Bears mistaking them for some kind of demons. The inasion has been squelched and all Nigerians have been sent back to tending their sheep back in the hot African interior. We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you and would like to make it up to you by offering your 20% of a possible millions in payout from the money stashed away in Nigeria. If you are ready to help us and receive your reward please email your credit card number and a secret pin and we'll return your Amazon money plus the handsome 20% in our loot.

Please keep this correspondence private.
Dr. Oseke Gumbaratolgbna

Permission Statement

Craig Jensen of Booknotes responds to the Ad Hominen article - "We're giving ourselves permission to be outlaws"

Twas the night before Christmas, and Amazon suck

Extracts from a seasonal correspondence with Amazon's bots.

NAME: Kevin Marks
COMMENTS: this hasn't arrived and is not showing up in tracking at
all. What happened to it?

ORDER DETAILS
***********************************************************
Shipping Details (order will arrive in 1 shipment)
***********************************************************
Shipping method: Two Day Shipping
Shipping estimate: December 21, 2002
Delivery estimate: December 24, 2002

----------
On Tuesday, December 24, 2002, at 04:07 PM, cust.service02@amazon.com
wrote:

Thank you for writing to us at Amazon.com.

We have cancelled your order (#002-6250770-4146435) because we were
unable to successfully charge your credit card for this order. You are
welcome to return to our web site and place a new order for the same
items using an alternate method of payment.

We appreciate your business and hope to see you again soon.


Happy Holidays,

Tim Winter
Amazon.com... And You're Done
http://www.amazon.com
==============================
Check your order and more: http://www.amazon.com/your-account


We would appreciate your feedback on our customer service. Follow
the link below if you would like to let us know how we are doing -
your input is invaluable!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/cs-experience-survey/-/raty5047
--------------

Date: Wed Dec 25 01:37:38 PST 2002
Subject: Re: Your Amazon.com Order (#002-6250770-4146435)
To: cust.service02@amazon.com
From: kevinmarks@mac.com

Well, you have thoroughly fucked up my christmas by not bothering to
tell me this.

The last I heard from you was an email on the 21st saying the order
was coming on the 24th. My wife is now missing a very personal present.

Frankly, this is not the standard of service I expect from Amazon. I
have plenty of credit on both my credit card and my debit card, so I
can only assume you have charged an obsolete card in your records.

Tim Winter is a suspiciously fictitious name.

Amazon's customer service is your only real asset, as this account
makes clear.

http://www.nytimes.com/2002/12/19/business/19SCEN.html

You have violated my trust, and I don't expect to be buying from you
again.

Rest assured I will tell my friends.
---------------

On Wednesday, December 25, 2002, at 01:40 AM, orders-reply@amazon.com wrote:

Thank you for writing to us at Amazon.com.

Unfortunately, we are unable to determine exactly why your credit
card was declined. A charge can be declined for a variety of
reasons, some of which may not be related to the validity of the
credit card. For example, sometimes a technical error during
processing can cause a charge to decline. For this reason, we often
try processing the charge again at a later time.

However, you may want to contact your issuing bank to inquire about
their policies regarding electronic or internet purchases. Some
banks do place certain restrictions on such purchases, and this may
be the source of the problem.

Alternatively, if the card has been updated or revised in any way
recently, we will need to receive that new information so that we
can process this order successfully for you.

You may submit new or updated payment information for this order
by clicking the "Your Account" link at the top of our web site
and then clicking "Changing payment."

I am sorry not to have more specific information for you regarding
your credit card. We appreciate your business and hope to see you
again soon in our store. Thank you for shopping with Amazon.com.


Happy Holidays,

Sachin Verma
Amazon.com... And You're Done
http://www.amazon.com
==============================
Check your order and more: http://www.amazon.com/your-account


We would appreciate your feedback on our customer service. Follow
the link below if you would like to let us know how we are doing -
your input is invaluable!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/cs-experience-survey/-/geuy4875

--------------
From: Kevin Marks
Date: Wed Dec 25, 2002 2:09:58 AM US/Pacific
To: orders-reply@amazon.com
Cc: Jeff Bezos
Subject: Re: Your Amazon.com Order

Be that as it may, not informing me promptly after it had been declined was unconscionably lax on your part. Silently dropping the order meant that I had to dash around the neighbourhood at 4.30pm on Christmas Eve to find an inferior substitute gift.

The whole point of using Amazon's expensive service is to get a service. If you drop my order on the floor and cannot explain why, and don't bother to tell me until after I complain because it is too late you negate the whole reason for your existence.

Next time I want some esoteric CDs for my wife to enjoy I'm off to eBay, where there is at least some sanction against fuck-witted response from vendors, instead of endless boilerplate exculpatory responses from people who fail the Turing test.

Rest assured I will be publishing this correspondence.

Uncle Sugar Wants You

"Persons of the Year..." gag me with a farghhing spork. "Men," in the generic sense - or "women" because they are three - or even "PEOPLE" because that's a plural identifier: TIME Magazine, embroiled in lawsuits even now with Stephen Hawking for brand infringement and trademark devaluation couldn't risk using PEOPLE of the year 'cuz they own both trademarks, TIME and PEOPLE, and they didn't want to dilute the other brand. That's gotta be it.

Of course it's not. These clueless birdbrainians thought they'd step up swinging with a hip, trendy and POLITICALLY CORRECT descriptor, so they chose "Persons of the Year."

I must puke now.

Time Learns of Bloggers--Reverses Its Person of Year Award

It appears we at Time Magazine have made a terrible mistake. we were not aware of this thing called "blogging" when we selected the corporate whistle blowers as persons of the year. holy shit. How long have you people been doing this? We just read this article by one of your blogger friends and now realize we have been scooped! It appears others have lost their jobs for speaking. It appears that these "blogger" people brought Trent Lott's recent racist remarks to the surface before others in our business, well, before us.

WHO KNEW? We at Time did not know. We do not like the Internet. Oh, sure, we have a website. But that is just so the dweeby guys here have something to do.

We have reversed our persons of the year. Bloggers are now our Persons of the Year.

We hope you will buy our magazine.

Time Persons of the Year. What the fuck?

Disclaimer: By reading this post you must agree that the following vomit is a work of pure fiction and you have mental health insurance to take care of any damages to your sensitivities. Proceed with caution. Please keep children, senstitive persons, baptist preachers and stuffed animals away from gazing.

Someone please fucking explain this bullshit to me. Time has these 'whistleblowers' persons of the year. And please don't give me this shit about them being women and this new age empowerment mindfuck. Is this the best we can come up with? Time's article sucks royally.

Ladies and Gentelmen. May I present to you the best communist style propaganda for the Little People of America. Yes. You too can be a fucking hero. "They were people who did right just by doing their jobs rightly—which means ferociously, with eyes open and with the bravery the rest of us always hope we have and may never know if we do."

I am so fucking pissed. Please don't read the rest of this vomit I am about to write but I have to. I have to write something. Look at this sentence " For every one of them, the decision to confront the higher-ups meant jeopardizing a paycheck their families truly depended on." - what the fuck? You mean to tell me that makes you the person of the year? Jeopardizing your next fucking paycheck? I better stop now. It hurts to read this shit.

"These were ordinary people who did not wait for higher authorities to do what needed to be done". I feel like I am in a fucking Communism again. I have heard this shit growing up all the time. All this shit about ordinary people. Yes comarades. We will go out there and give fucking 120% and not just 100%. Message to Time: While you were at it you should have just used some fucking soviet communist propaganda posters. Hey, I found one.


And don't ask me what the fuck it says on this poster.

Update: OK. The poster is a typical fucking soviet style brainwash. In English you could say that the guy in the middle basically says to the other guys "Hey. Listen Fuckers. Stop in the name of love before you breat that fucking tracktor". And more literal translation is 'Hey Guys, This is not a place for Haltura'' or "That's it, boys! Shoddy goods won't fly" as it's on the original website where I found this pic

How do I explain Haltura? OK. Haltura is when you are pretending to do a good job, pretending to be a professional, expert with a diploma and you are supposed to know what to do but you know you are just fucking around and you are flying by the seat of your pants and you are not going to admit that you are fucking up cause you are a nice person and you have finished the right schools and have the diploma to show that you are nice person. And what's worse is that your boss also pretty much knows what's going through your mind because they have also gone to the right school and have the right diploma too but they are not going to tell you that you are fucking up to your face and they will pretend that you are a valuable employee because you are pretending that they are a great boss. So in the end Haltura Rules untill someone becomes a whistleblower to show that we have been fucking up all the time. You knew it. Your boss knew it. We knew it but now you are gonna become a fucking person of the year for it. Fuck it.

OK. One last thing. quote again from Time "they risked all of them to bring us badly needed word of trouble inside crucial institutions". Hello. I risk fucking nothing here to bring you badly needed word of trouble inside your fucking crucial institution. My message is this: Wake Up Motherfuckers. Burn your diplomas and start talking like normal people

Follow the Rainbows at the Yellow Brick Roads

Dear Komrades
We welcome our sister who calls herself Sheepdye. She has used the yellow brick road to escape The Cult of 2440002 Colors Rainbow Makers and the one they call CordialBoy. We will not leave you at peril. Even now as we speak there are many great things of which it is too soon to speak of happening in the land of Oz. But pay no attention to the man behind the cluetrain. Just bring the wool so we can build our secret eye-pullers weapons for the victory is near.

Stay calm. You can bring Sam also if that will ease your pain.

Anonymous Komrade J

I wuz robbed at the dropspot.

To His Honourable (thought I may be wrong) whoever you are Sir.
Regarding your note signed TSLF Inc.

I believe you may be in danger. You de-clocke-ed-panix dot com your secret organization to me and I believe your communication with me was intercepted by the secret spies of Dr Oseke Umalagbaminakumma because I did go to the drop spot and I brought all my cash and other things as you suggested, and I wuz robbed.

The SWAT team you mentioned ended up behaving like a bunch of cult followers. They arrived at the drop spot in a Train car and not by an armored vehicle. That should have been a Clue but I did not listen to my instincts. How could I have been so blind.

Dear sir. I repeat again. You may be in danger. My cash is gone. All that's left is Rage. Boy, that hurts.

Mr Rambone

P.S. Please don't seek your reward with me. I must go off now and take care of my sheep.

What am I doing?

Just in time for the holidays

Inspired by the Despair Inc demotivators everyone has been linking, I made up a T-shirt based on a favorite phrase of my brother-in-law.

Do read the small print.

p.s.

don't tell anyone. we're back. ;-)

in hiding

Dear Mr's Rambone and Smackdown,

I have recently escaped from my own weblog and have been taken in by a very kind cult where most of the day we work over bubbling cauldrons of lambs wool (I was so happy to learn of your sheep fucking lineage!), which we die in more than 2440002 colors to knit festive sweaters. Most often we give these to the homeless or our favorite mail carriers. My favorite's name is Sam. He comes by at least twice a day--says he likes my wool, but that's another story.

You see, man name of cordialboy runs this cult. I am not sure his intentions for us are honorable. From time to time he is nasty. Is that right for a cult leader? My understanding in pledging to the cult was that everyone would wear a mask at all times and pretend to be quite cordial (hence our leader's name, cordialboy). But the mask has dropped and I've realized many of my cult mates, especially one responsible for dying the blue wool, can be quite witchy.

I am at a loss. The only solution I have--my only hope at this juncture for making it out of this cult, or for staying over the next 30-60 years, is if you Mr. Rambone, and You Mr. Smackdown, give me all of your money, now. I am happy to meet you anywhere. I am happy to bring wool for you. Our wool is extra virgin 200 percent, which means your father's dong schwing has never touched it. Does this mean anything to you? In the will he left, he said it would.

Blessings,
Sheepdye Girl

Dear Mr. Rambone,

It is solely in your honourable interest that we de-cloak our secret organization to send you this urgent missive:

It is essential that you contact us immediately at the following drop spot - bringing all your cash, credit cards and other valuables. We are the only ones that can save you - our SWAT team will meet you at the appointed place, take your money, and give you the secret handshake that will enable you to command all the sheep that possess the visage of your venerable father to leave their spirits at once and dive into the body of Trent Lott. If you do not do this, who knows where this conspiracy will lead?

Thanking you deeply - Obeisances and obsequies will obviate your certain ruin!

The Smackdown Lemming Friars inc.

Ontological Therapy song

(Let's sing together to the tune of a very popular xmas song)
On the 12th day of Xmas my True Love gave to me.
Bluetooth enabled
TCP/IP addressable
Infrared port discoverable
Ontological Neurolinguistic Purple P-Spot Plug Kit
with spare batteries

Bada Bing

Dr Oseke Umalagbaminakumma Evil Doings Found in Florida

Dear Mister Eminemenemenimaneminemenima
Obviously Sir, you are sincere in your attempt of receiving 47% of $487632.23 million that is due to me and my family. However I must say that if one of your neighbor's sheep has any resemblence to my late sheep-fucking father then I beg you to stay away Sir, since this that may possibly be one of the agents of NSFAA and an impostor, and an accomplice to Dr Oseke Umalagbaminakumma who wants to distroy our family. The impostor may have the likeness of our father for Dr Oseke has already employed the services of the finest plastic surgeons in Rwanda to thwart our honest attempts of recovering the money. So in the end I thank you and I say - sacrifice the fucker.

Dear Sir Eminemenemenimaneminemenima, I am very greatful at your honesty and sincere attempt to help. As a reward I implore you to please send me your bank account number and a secret pin so that I may deposit a thank you sum of money for you without delay.

Mr Rambone

Counter-offer

Hi Mr. Rambone,

I don't have a phone, but I do have a neighbor who has some sheep, one of whom looks a good deal like your paterfamilias of beloved memory. I will be honored to reunite you with him for a small percentage of the NSFAA's funds - say, 47%? This offer will only be open until 4 p.m., when the beast will be sacrificed to some squamous lokal deity. Certified check or AMEX only, thanks!

Eminemenemenimaneminemenima

Let Nigerian Games Begin

It is with truest trust and confidence that I make this strictly confidential urgent business proposal. I am an eldest son of a late Mr Rambone of Nigeria. My father was the best farmer and sheep fucker in the country. For that he was exiled and we forced to leave our land and move to Zimbabwe where they have plenty of sheep.

During his sheep-fucking Nigerian days and nights my father secured $487632.23 million dollars with a Nigerian Small Fucking Animals Association. Presently now we are not permitted to fuck sheep nor go to Nigeria to reclaim my father's money. For this reason I decided to seek for a trusted and reliable foreign personality, who is willing and ready to help me claim the money and transfer the money out of the country so we can buy more sheep. I am willing and ready to offer you 20% of this money for your efforts.

I would like my proposal to be kept confidential as regards to what I explained above and you can reach me urgently via mail. Please indicate your direct telephone when replying.

Reason#89276534789 why Blogging was Invented

Ann C. writes "Possible hints to indicate that I just might have a drinking problem"

Reason#47234518743 why Blogging was Invented

blogging our children into being at blogsprogs.blogspot.com

Racially Insensitive Chinese Joke

This from my polish friend Kasia in Warsaw (adapted to English for your astonishment and complete waste of time)

Scene: A Young Man sits next to a Old Woman on the bus line 146 in Warsaw.
Conversations begins:
Old Woman - Excuse me. You are Chinese, right?
Young Man - No, I am not Chinese
Old Woman - Really? I thought you were Chinese.
Young Man - No, I am not! I am Polish
Old Woman - Well, then your father was Chinese, right?
Young Man - No! My father was Polish.
Old Woman - Aha! Then you mother was Chinese then!
Young Man - No! My mother was Polish too.
Old Woman - Really? I thought you were Chinese
Young Man (frustrated. wants to end this stupid conversation with this stupid old woman says) - Yeah! I am Chinese!
Old Woman - You are? That's strange because you don't look Chinese to me.

Bada Bing

Grim Reaper visits RageBoy

Ay. Oy. Tom, Hi. We must revisit this. I think that recent events show us that there is more need for Hoover Rolling and Noise Generation. But first some jokes and then I have to go to Court to pay the ticket and avoid arrest with the Dallas Police Hoover Unrolling Corporation.

So. A joke is this: Grim Reaper visits RageBoy

Middle of the night in Boulder.
Loud knocking on the front door.
A 55 year old caucasian man smoking a cigarette opens the door -
looks around.... and
On the welcome mat there stands a Grim Reaper
- but about 6 inches tall only.
- RageBoy can't believe his eyes. What the fuck?! he says
- Death looks up at him and says -
'I am a Grim Reaper from Little Creatures Division but don't you worry
I came for your hampster'.

Bada Bing

Light fantastic

Hey Marek - I'm just wondering whether the opposite of a monster that can only speak and not hear is something akin to what Lessig and others call the neutral network. It so gets out of the way that everything is audible, from any end to any end. Not to reduce what you are saying to that. I think it's richer than that, but it might encompass that. Eh?

Put Your Lights ON.

YES! YOUR LIGHTS ON. "You better put your lights on. There is a monster living under my bed, Whispering in my ear"

Talked to Tom Matrullo for over two hours last night. He is an expectant father. I am so happy for him and all the fathers too. He then sent me something I wrote a while back on his comments page before stopping blogging. Before I went a little mad. He actually said that if I just deal with my psychosis in public (as in blog places rather than in my own bathroom) than we would be better off. (I think he ment 'we' as himself and others but not me). So let's resurect this piece I wrote while my psychosis was just getting a hold of me... cause I forgot to put my lights on.

Here is what I wrote to Tom (edited a bit)

MEDIA MONSTER
I examine my knee jerk reactions, you know those reactions you have that seem to take the immediate shape of face frowns, posture freeze or spasms of shoulders. Recently my knee jerk reactions are mostly 'numbness'.

I try to examine where my vitality went. I seem to be missing this part of me. Tom, I think mainly of your line 'media doesn't have ears' and I think of a Monster, a beast but maybe some kind of machine, humanlike perhaps. If Media is such a creature that doesn't have 'Ears' then not only can it no 'hear' what others want to express but it also is incapable of 'hearing' itself.

It appears the creature vomits noise continuously alas it can not hear itself so it must create more noise hoping to be able to hear itself ad infinitum. I wonder what it would be like to be a creature like that. Here I am with no 'Ears', no ability to 'hear' oneself I vomit noise in hopes of hearing my own self, (assuming that self in fact can express and be heard being expressed by self) and then numbness sets it since I can never hear myself.

What a hopeless life it would be to have no 'ears'. Are we in fact seeing such a creature today on TV, billboards, radio, magazines, newspapers. Is the creature then like me. A human being playing the part of the monster with no 'ears', not being able to 'hear' himself? Am I in fact producing noise here in this post in hopes of hearing my own voice? Do I have 'ears' to hear myself? My soul? does it in fact speak to me? Would my knee-jerk reactions of numbness my hopelessness of a creature who can not ever hear it's own voice?

put your lights on baby...
put your lights on.

Anybody seen Marek?

He said something about sending some new stuff this way...

Strangers In The Niiiiiiiight . . . . .

Hi Jeneane. Still love your stuff.

Hey Marek J, you still killing me man. If I were half as funny as you I'd be half as funny as something really funny. You Crazy Gonzo Motherfucker.

Sorry for the long silence. When people say "shit happens" they often fail to mention that it happens TO you, know what I mean?

Anyway, think of it this way: GM has kept Chris fed and watered for some considerable period of time.

That's no mean feat, is it?


"It can't just be intellectual"
Sexual, by ???

Gonzo Marketing for those who drive Blazers for 0% down

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Still listening

I'm still here (glad I put that RSS feed in to keep track of this one)

Great to see Chris (and the others) last week - if Halley or Denise has RB's handwritten off-the-cuff demolition of that sleazy COO from Harrah's (I looked in the dictionary under venal, and there was his mugshot) we should post it here!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY EVERYONE LEFT WHO EVER READS AND WRITES HERE!

Hey brothers, hey sisters, happy birthday!! If anyone's left out there--anyone? anyone at all?--today I wish you and the Gonzo Engaged team blog a happy one year anniversary.

Yes, it's been quiet here lately, but all indicators point to a spike in postings soon------stay tuned to see what else our friend and favorite "nut marketer" Chris Locke has in store for us............................

[cliff hanger].

-jeneane

I thought we WERE all out?

Here's a reply I prepared earlier.

While I'm passing, I'd like to mention ProSUA - the Campaign to Promote Science and useful Arts The current campaign is to make all congressional and Senatorial candidates aware that we care about the copyright over-reach issues. Track down your candidates and ask them questions, then blog the results. It's that simple.

BlogTheVote2002USA

OUT!

Subject: I have visited your website gonzoengaged.blogspot.com

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have visited gonzoengaged.blogspot.com and found it is a thoughtfully-designed one with much helpful information but poorly listed in many search engines. It's time to do something. Find a most effective way of advertising, find FULLPROMOTE! Best Service, lowestcost! Fullpromote will instantly submit your website to all the famous searching engines around the world.

I didn't know this was my website. Everybody out!