Saturday, November 16, 2002

Gonzo Marketing for those who drive Blazers for 0% down

I read Gonzo Engaged. What a horrible book. So full of idealism and romantic notions that we can all 'love each other' and 'peace, love, harmony' and the Mighty Dollar. So far I have not met a person who has read the book yet. It was on the Top 10 business books that Harvard's high priesthood recommended but somehow the corporate peasants are not responding to priests recently. Instead they are working hard to get that 0% down Chevy Blazer with no payments until March 2003. No wonder I couldn't sell my car. None of those fuckers had any money left so they had to get more in debt to get the latest shit to drive to work and beautify corporate parking lot for 10 hours a day. (You can't drive it if you have to work to make payments on it, but I digress... the coroprate parking lots look nice thought)

Anyway. Back to the book. Gonzo Marketing, good reading. Whenever I feel a need for a good dose of idealism and some hope for the future I just pick it up and read and imagine myself being one of those people in the book being this strong, silent tpe John Wayne like hero telling all the corporate underlinks they are full of shit and we have to get the customers talking across the firewalls with the employees, especially the ones who got those new 0% down Blazers beautifying corporate parking lots 10 hours a day.

I actually wonder why companies don't adopt this 'Gonzo Marketing'. Why not? It's quite harmless, and it just might make a corporation more money. Just imagine if there was an Official Gonzo Marketing Implementation program, say.... at a small Bomb Factory in Oklahoma. - Instead of a typical call from a customer who says "I would like to order part number T64 dash 7YTGH32 version G for the 2001 implementation of Numba Release" he could just call and tell them "Send me some of those Catapult Release shit kickers for the Big Cocksucking Eat Shit Saddam Nuke'em Dry version G my man. Don't foreget I want the version G." -- Immediately the Customer and the Customer Representative Associate would have relatability handled. There wouldn't be any upsets on the phone nor long akward silence moments. Those two could swap stories and share their dreams of Kids growin up in safe neighborhoods, self assured in their Gonzo superiority. All would be great and dandy. I would highly recommend this Gonzo Marketing. It has people relate to each other better. It can help drop those virtual masks of 'Hello, how can I help you?' monotone voices and replace them with lively 'Hi, If you wanna kick some ass with our Bombs we are hear to help you fuck'em up. Would you like some extra granades with that?'

This Gonzo Marketing could really be helpful in our depressed economy. At least people could start being more authentic. Instead of just boasting to their coworkers about their new 0% down Blazer with no payments till March of 2003 they could just say 'Nice car but I am fucked with payments for this crap and I have to work weekends for this shit. What was I thinking?' and their coworker could open up to them and say 'I used to have a new car few years back. I am still paying for it. Yeah, you are fucked." and immediately they could have a feeling of being human beings that relate to each other in the context of community.

I definitely think Gonzo Marketing is the new trend in Corporate America. It will make Corporations more money then ever and keep the worker's violence delayed until later years after they are fired and replaced with fresh, new collage graduates. All the Management has to do is to design successful implementations of it. They can show some imagination or they can hire me to do it for the.

Let's work here on a possible scenario on how a corporation will benefit from the successful implementation of Gonzo Marketing tailored specifically by me. - Just put yourself in the shoes of your Peasants. Let's say you are one of those workers and your boss may come to you and say 'I am sorry but I am going to need you to work late today. The whole team is staying till 8pm. I need you to be a team player and stay too... and also we need to work on Saturday too. The team is coming at 9am. I need you to come at 9am too' ... Well, that line may make you a bit upset, it may envoke in you a feeling of being used. It's not good for the corporation to have workers upset. (Of course, the example above is purely imagined. No sane manager would ever say anything like this. The above example is simply borrowed from best selling management books.) - But now let's do it Gonzo Marketing way. Imagine that that boss would imploy the Gonzo Marketing Corporate Implementation Initiative. He or she could say 'Fuck. I hate to do this to you but we have to work late today. Everybody is fucking upset about this but if you stay with all of us we'll get this shit finished faster and we can all go home and get laid. And by the way this Saturday we need to come in and work on this shit cause somebody fucked up royally and we need to fix it. It sucks but we got to do this man"... This type of an announcement from a Manager would immediately create a sense of bonding, a sense of belonging and community of workers to get the fucking job done. So again I read this Gonzo Marketing and I think it's a great promise for any corporation to keep their workforce happy and more productive.

I think the biggest asset in this Gonzo methodology is for any company to just stop providing any kind of training and assistance to employees and simple annouce 'Well, We got no fucking money to train your ass. You got to buy your own books motherfuckers like everybody else on this team". Imagine the savings any corporation will achieve by implementing Gonzo Marketing. I have many more examples. Just call me to schedule a free one day Gonzo Marketing Possible Implementation Strategy Initiative. I am very happy to recommend this book to anyone.