Talked to Tom Matrullo for over two hours last night. He is an expectant father. I am so happy for him and all the fathers too. He then sent me something I wrote a while back on his comments page before stopping blogging. Before I went a little mad. He actually said that if I just deal with my psychosis in public (as in blog places rather than in my own bathroom) than we would be better off. (I think he ment 'we' as himself and others but not me). So let's resurect this piece I wrote while my psychosis was just getting a hold of me... cause I forgot to put my lights on.
Here is what I wrote to Tom (edited a bit)
I examine my knee jerk reactions, you know those reactions you have that seem to take the immediate shape of face frowns, posture freeze or spasms of shoulders. Recently my knee jerk reactions are mostly 'numbness'.
I try to examine where my vitality went. I seem to be missing this part of me. Tom, I think mainly of your line 'media doesn't have ears' and I think of a Monster, a beast but maybe some kind of machine, humanlike perhaps. If Media is such a creature that doesn't have 'Ears' then not only can it no 'hear' what others want to express but it also is incapable of 'hearing' itself.
It appears the creature vomits noise continuously alas it can not hear itself so it must create more noise hoping to be able to hear itself ad infinitum. I wonder what it would be like to be a creature like that. Here I am with no 'Ears', no ability to 'hear' oneself I vomit noise in hopes of hearing my own self, (assuming that self in fact can express and be heard being expressed by self) and then numbness sets it since I can never hear myself.
What a hopeless life it would be to have no 'ears'. Are we in fact seeing such a creature today on TV, billboards, radio, magazines, newspapers. Is the creature then like me. A human being playing the part of the monster with no 'ears', not being able to 'hear' himself? Am I in fact producing noise here in this post in hopes of hearing my own voice? Do I have 'ears' to hear myself? My soul? does it in fact speak to me? Would my knee-jerk reactions of numbness my hopelessness of a creature who can not ever hear it's own voice?
put your lights on baby...
put your lights on.