Monday, December 30, 2002

everyone's a fucking poet [click the link]

There once was a priest named Kevin
Who liked boys the age of eleven
The Pope said don't fret
Rome hasn't outlawed it yet
Bring the boy and meet me in heaven

No bloggers were harmed in the making of this lymrick. The actors in this lymrick are not based on any realworld individuals. Any resemblances are purely coincidental. As far as we know.
bada bing....

a parent child play in one part - by jeneane

kid: i really don't like your drinking.


kid: it's not good for you to drink so much. it makes me worry. you don't act like yourself.


kid: i am so afraid you will die. i'm so afraid to be left alone.


kid: never mind. i don't want to talk about it anymore. i'm grown.

parent: you'll talk to me if I tell you to talk to me. i'm your parent.


parent: what's gotten into you? why are you behaving this way?


parent: I've only loved you. I did the best I could.


parent: i'm too old to change now.


The End?
bada fucking bing.

Robot was invented in 1920

Exceprpt of the Play "Rossums Universal Robots" by Karel Capek, 1920

DOMAIN: So young Rossum said to himself: a man is something that, for

instance, feels happy, plays the fiddle, likes going for walks, and, in
fact, wants to do a whole lot of things that aren't fully necessary.


DOMAIN: Wait a bit. That are unnecessary when he's wanted, let us
say, to weave or count. Do you play the fiddle?


DOMAIN: That's a pity. But a working machine must not want to play
the fiddle, must not feel happy, must not do a whole lot of other things.
A petrol motor must not have tassels or ornaments, Miss Glory. And to
manufacture artificial workers is the same thing as to manufacture
motors. The process must be the simplest, and the product must be the
best from a practical point of view. What sort of worker do you think is
the best from a practical point of view?

HELENA: The best? Perhaps the one who is most honest and hard-

DOMAIN: No, the cheapest. The one whose needs are the smallest.
Young Rossum invented a worker with the minimum amount of requirements.
He had to simplify him. He rejected everything that did not contribute
directly to the progress of work. He rejected everything that makes
man more expensive. In fact, he rejected man and made the Robot.

And the year was 1920. It was The Year of Our Lord, The Decimal System
And in two days it will be 2003. The Year of Our Lord, ???

War with the Newts

If you ever want to turn of your TV and learn about being Human a bit please read any of Karel Capek's books..

Though a writer of novels, visionary romances, travel books, stories, and essays, Karel is best known for his plays. The Insect Play took the world by storm and was performed to great acclaim in London and New York. This pessimistic allegory of man's rapaciousness and stupidity, as duplicated in the insect world, is as neatly contrived as it is uncomfortably true. R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots), which introduced the word robot into the English language, conceives a future in which all workers will be automated. Their ultimate revolt when they acquire souls and the ensuing cotastrophe comprise an exciting, vivid theatrical experience. His last plays, written just before the entry of Hitler into Czechoslovakia, deal with the rise of dictatorship and the terrible consequences of war. Karel Capek died on Christmas Day, 1938.

Merry Xmas Mister Capek (sorry for the delay in sending my best wishes)

Sunday, December 29, 2002

What shoud I do with my life?

And now an interesting article from FastCompany

Person A - What shoud I do with my life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person B - I don't know. What should I do with My life?
Person A - I don't know. What should I do with My life?

Person C - Shut up.

Get Your War On

"How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print." - Karl Kraus
Get Your War On.

P.S. (Bondage Gear Opitonal)
Bada Bing

Saturday, December 28, 2002

Worst Practice Embetterred

The Worst Practice got a hold of me and I attributed to Kevin Marks the excellent piece written by Jerome Klapka Jerome. Neverthereless the award stays with Kevin since he, by himself and without any help from the Submarine Wives Club, has quoted those nice paragraphs from the travelling writer.

Thanks, but not my work.

That was Jerome K Jerome, in his 1891 book 'Diary of a Pilgrimage'

Honey. I have to leave you for 3 months

Submarine Wives Club presents a free advice aka. 10 Tips for Handling stress. And while you are at it visit the 'Depression' section.

And the winner is

Kevin Marks has just won a fresh supply of nuclear submarines to be parked in his fish tank. Congratulations.

Why is Kevin Marks a winner you may ask?

Well, because he writes brilliant shit and I write about submarines, that's why.

Here is the winning piece of prose:

"As a man works, so Society deals by him.
To me Society says: "You sit at your desk and write, that is all I want you to do. You are not good for much, but you can spin out yards of what you and your friends, I suppose, call literature; and some people seem to enjoy reading it. Very well: you sit there and write this literature, or whatever it is, and keep your mind fixed on that. I will see to everything else for you. I will provide you with writing materials, and books of wit and humour, and paste and scissors, and everything else that may be necessary to you in your trade; and I will feed you and clothe you and lodge you, and I will take you about to places that you wish to go to; and I will see that you have plenty of tobacco and all other things practicable that you may desire-provided that you work well. The more work you do, and the better work you do, the better I shall look after you. You write-that is all I want you to do."
"But," I say to Society, "I don't like work; I don't want to work. Why should I be a slave and work?"
"All right," answers Society, "don't work. I'm not forcing you. All I say is, that if you don't work for me, I shall not work for you. No work from you, no dinner from me-no holidays, no tobacco."
And I decide to be a slave, and work."

- And I decided to write about Submarines. As you can see I am screwed in the eyes of society.

I've invited this man

David Williams:
1. is reading Gonzo Engaged
2. is as cross with Amazon's Customer service cyborgs as I am
3. has good taste in blog colour schemes.

A Winning Ad. Single Female Looking

Hello, I am an attractive, fun, caring and giving 31 year old woman. I try to always be honest and to be understanding. I want to enjoy life and spend time with someone who is kind and fun. I want someone who is my best friend first of all, lover and partner in life. I am easy going, easily amused and I want to try new things like being a female submariner.

More about me:
My most ideal place to live is: Submarine
When it comes to my place: it's not perfect but it's close and everything is within easy reach.
When it comes to Television I: surf indefinitely until I throw up.
My fashion sense can be described as: Uniform. Not dressy

Turn Ons:
Skinny Dipping

Turn Offs:
Long Hair
Body Piercings

Bada Bing

The necessity for female sumbariners

"Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen, France, May 1431, under the general sobriquet of witchcraft. What can the distant mirror of that 19-year-old's execution reveal to us about the Inquisitionesque opposition of American admirals to female submariners?" That's a very good question.

"...The student of military affairs must come to terms with the global-historical ascension of the female-at-arms...For example, Clark University professor Cynthia Enloe explores the causes and ramifications of the militarization of what was once patronizing known as the "fair sex" in an exhaustive study covering almost all of the most controversial aspects of expanded roles for women on the doorstep of 21st century warfighting. The author explains that the globe's servicewomen, increasing integrated into the combat arms, (e.g., a picture and discussion of Bosnian female soldiery charging positions during training with submachine guns is particularly striking) exposes the fallacy, sterility and fervid impracticality of US restrictions on females-at-arms. Professor Enloe points out that "many women have been maneuvered to play a military supportive role," limiting their horizons artificially."

Hollywood will make a movie about it.
Please send your scripts soon.
We must make another war movie. This time about female submariners. It'll be a hit.


Shakespeare's modern rewrite for the Plasma Screen

"TV or not TV.
This is a question"

The End

Stay Tuned for an award winning video of the title song performed by Hamleta MC.

Banana self-defense

Sgt.: ....Bananas.  How to defend yourself

against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this
banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man
armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana;
then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now
rendered him 'elpless.
Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Sgt.: Shut up.
Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.
Chapman: 'Arrison.
Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that,
that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me!
Come at me then! (Shoots him.)
Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)
Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)
Palin: You shot him!
Jones: He's dead!
Idle: He's completely dead!
Sgt.: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.
Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
Jones: But you told him to.
Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend
yourselves against fresh fruit

Friday, December 27, 2002

Xmas Nigerians Amazon Invasion

We are very sorry Mister Marks for causing a fuckup in your xmas. We have been testing our Nigerian Bots at Amazon for this holliday season and you were hand picked out of the millions of shoppers to be part of the study. However we didn't realize that a bunch of real flesh Nigerian were hiding inside of bots that were transported to Amazon HQ. The Nigerians tore up the Bots and started attacking Giant Teddy Bears mistaking them for some kind of demons. The inasion has been squelched and all Nigerians have been sent back to tending their sheep back in the hot African interior. We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you and would like to make it up to you by offering your 20% of a possible millions in payout from the money stashed away in Nigeria. If you are ready to help us and receive your reward please email your credit card number and a secret pin and we'll return your Amazon money plus the handsome 20% in our loot.

Please keep this correspondence private.
Dr. Oseke Gumbaratolgbna

Permission Statement

Craig Jensen of Booknotes responds to the Ad Hominen article - "We're giving ourselves permission to be outlaws"

Wednesday, December 25, 2002

Twas the night before Christmas, and Amazon suck

Extracts from a seasonal correspondence with Amazon's bots.

NAME: Kevin Marks
COMMENTS: this hasn't arrived and is not showing up in tracking at
all. What happened to it?

Shipping Details (order will arrive in 1 shipment)
Shipping method: Two Day Shipping
Shipping estimate: December 21, 2002
Delivery estimate: December 24, 2002

On Tuesday, December 24, 2002, at 04:07 PM,

Thank you for writing to us at

We have cancelled your order (#002-6250770-4146435) because we were
unable to successfully charge your credit card for this order. You are
welcome to return to our web site and place a new order for the same
items using an alternate method of payment.

We appreciate your business and hope to see you again soon.

Happy Holidays,

Tim Winter And You're Done
Check your order and more:

We would appreciate your feedback on our customer service. Follow
the link below if you would like to let us know how we are doing -
your input is invaluable!

Date: Wed Dec 25 01:37:38 PST 2002
Subject: Re: Your Order (#002-6250770-4146435)

Well, you have thoroughly fucked up my christmas by not bothering to
tell me this.

The last I heard from you was an email on the 21st saying the order
was coming on the 24th. My wife is now missing a very personal present.

Frankly, this is not the standard of service I expect from Amazon. I
have plenty of credit on both my credit card and my debit card, so I
can only assume you have charged an obsolete card in your records.

Tim Winter is a suspiciously fictitious name.

Amazon's customer service is your only real asset, as this account
makes clear.

You have violated my trust, and I don't expect to be buying from you

Rest assured I will tell my friends.

On Wednesday, December 25, 2002, at 01:40 AM, wrote:

Thank you for writing to us at

Unfortunately, we are unable to determine exactly why your credit
card was declined. A charge can be declined for a variety of
reasons, some of which may not be related to the validity of the
credit card. For example, sometimes a technical error during
processing can cause a charge to decline. For this reason, we often
try processing the charge again at a later time.

However, you may want to contact your issuing bank to inquire about
their policies regarding electronic or internet purchases. Some
banks do place certain restrictions on such purchases, and this may
be the source of the problem.

Alternatively, if the card has been updated or revised in any way
recently, we will need to receive that new information so that we
can process this order successfully for you.

You may submit new or updated payment information for this order
by clicking the "Your Account" link at the top of our web site
and then clicking "Changing payment."

I am sorry not to have more specific information for you regarding
your credit card. We appreciate your business and hope to see you
again soon in our store. Thank you for shopping with

Happy Holidays,

Sachin Verma And You're Done
Check your order and more:

We would appreciate your feedback on our customer service. Follow
the link below if you would like to let us know how we are doing -
your input is invaluable!

From: Kevin Marks
Date: Wed Dec 25, 2002 2:09:58 AM US/Pacific
Cc: Jeff Bezos
Subject: Re: Your Order

Be that as it may, not informing me promptly after it had been declined was unconscionably lax on your part. Silently dropping the order meant that I had to dash around the neighbourhood at 4.30pm on Christmas Eve to find an inferior substitute gift.

The whole point of using Amazon's expensive service is to get a service. If you drop my order on the floor and cannot explain why, and don't bother to tell me until after I complain because it is too late you negate the whole reason for your existence.

Next time I want some esoteric CDs for my wife to enjoy I'm off to eBay, where there is at least some sanction against fuck-witted response from vendors, instead of endless boilerplate exculpatory responses from people who fail the Turing test.

Rest assured I will be publishing this correspondence.

Monday, December 23, 2002

Uncle Sugar Wants You

"Persons of the Year..." gag me with a farghhing spork. "Men," in the generic sense - or "women" because they are three - or even "PEOPLE" because that's a plural identifier: TIME Magazine, embroiled in lawsuits even now with Stephen Hawking for brand infringement and trademark devaluation couldn't risk using PEOPLE of the year 'cuz they own both trademarks, TIME and PEOPLE, and they didn't want to dilute the other brand. That's gotta be it.

Of course it's not. These clueless birdbrainians thought they'd step up swinging with a hip, trendy and POLITICALLY CORRECT descriptor, so they chose "Persons of the Year."

I must puke now.

Time Learns of Bloggers--Reverses Its Person of Year Award

It appears we at Time Magazine have made a terrible mistake. we were not aware of this thing called "blogging" when we selected the corporate whistle blowers as persons of the year. holy shit. How long have you people been doing this? We just read this article by one of your blogger friends and now realize we have been scooped! It appears others have lost their jobs for speaking. It appears that these "blogger" people brought Trent Lott's recent racist remarks to the surface before others in our business, well, before us.

WHO KNEW? We at Time did not know. We do not like the Internet. Oh, sure, we have a website. But that is just so the dweeby guys here have something to do.

We have reversed our persons of the year. Bloggers are now our Persons of the Year.

We hope you will buy our magazine.

Time Persons of the Year. What the fuck?

Disclaimer: By reading this post you must agree that the following vomit is a work of pure fiction and you have mental health insurance to take care of any damages to your sensitivities. Proceed with caution. Please keep children, senstitive persons, baptist preachers and stuffed animals away from gazing.

Someone please fucking explain this bullshit to me. Time has these 'whistleblowers' persons of the year. And please don't give me this shit about them being women and this new age empowerment mindfuck. Is this the best we can come up with? Time's article sucks royally.

Ladies and Gentelmen. May I present to you the best communist style propaganda for the Little People of America. Yes. You too can be a fucking hero. "They were people who did right just by doing their jobs rightly—which means ferociously, with eyes open and with the bravery the rest of us always hope we have and may never know if we do."

I am so fucking pissed. Please don't read the rest of this vomit I am about to write but I have to. I have to write something. Look at this sentence " For every one of them, the decision to confront the higher-ups meant jeopardizing a paycheck their families truly depended on." - what the fuck? You mean to tell me that makes you the person of the year? Jeopardizing your next fucking paycheck? I better stop now. It hurts to read this shit.

"These were ordinary people who did not wait for higher authorities to do what needed to be done". I feel like I am in a fucking Communism again. I have heard this shit growing up all the time. All this shit about ordinary people. Yes comarades. We will go out there and give fucking 120% and not just 100%. Message to Time: While you were at it you should have just used some fucking soviet communist propaganda posters. Hey, I found one.

And don't ask me what the fuck it says on this poster.

Update: OK. The poster is a typical fucking soviet style brainwash. In English you could say that the guy in the middle basically says to the other guys "Hey. Listen Fuckers. Stop in the name of love before you breat that fucking tracktor". And more literal translation is 'Hey Guys, This is not a place for Haltura'' or "That's it, boys! Shoddy goods won't fly" as it's on the original website where I found this pic

How do I explain Haltura? OK. Haltura is when you are pretending to do a good job, pretending to be a professional, expert with a diploma and you are supposed to know what to do but you know you are just fucking around and you are flying by the seat of your pants and you are not going to admit that you are fucking up cause you are a nice person and you have finished the right schools and have the diploma to show that you are nice person. And what's worse is that your boss also pretty much knows what's going through your mind because they have also gone to the right school and have the right diploma too but they are not going to tell you that you are fucking up to your face and they will pretend that you are a valuable employee because you are pretending that they are a great boss. So in the end Haltura Rules untill someone becomes a whistleblower to show that we have been fucking up all the time. You knew it. Your boss knew it. We knew it but now you are gonna become a fucking person of the year for it. Fuck it.

OK. One last thing. quote again from Time "they risked all of them to bring us badly needed word of trouble inside crucial institutions". Hello. I risk fucking nothing here to bring you badly needed word of trouble inside your fucking crucial institution. My message is this: Wake Up Motherfuckers. Burn your diplomas and start talking like normal people

Sunday, December 22, 2002

Follow the Rainbows at the Yellow Brick Roads

Dear Komrades
We welcome our sister who calls herself Sheepdye. She has used the yellow brick road to escape The Cult of 2440002 Colors Rainbow Makers and the one they call CordialBoy. We will not leave you at peril. Even now as we speak there are many great things of which it is too soon to speak of happening in the land of Oz. But pay no attention to the man behind the cluetrain. Just bring the wool so we can build our secret eye-pullers weapons for the victory is near.

Stay calm. You can bring Sam also if that will ease your pain.

Anonymous Komrade J

I wuz robbed at the dropspot.

To His Honourable (thought I may be wrong) whoever you are Sir.
Regarding your note signed TSLF Inc.

I believe you may be in danger. You de-clocke-ed-panix dot com your secret organization to me and I believe your communication with me was intercepted by the secret spies of Dr Oseke Umalagbaminakumma because I did go to the drop spot and I brought all my cash and other things as you suggested, and I wuz robbed.

The SWAT team you mentioned ended up behaving like a bunch of cult followers. They arrived at the drop spot in a Train car and not by an armored vehicle. That should have been a Clue but I did not listen to my instincts. How could I have been so blind.

Dear sir. I repeat again. You may be in danger. My cash is gone. All that's left is Rage. Boy, that hurts.

Mr Rambone

P.S. Please don't seek your reward with me. I must go off now and take care of my sheep.

Saturday, December 21, 2002

What am I doing?

Just in time for the holidays

Inspired by the Despair Inc demotivators everyone has been linking, I made up a T-shirt based on a favorite phrase of my brother-in-law.

Do read the small print.


don't tell anyone. we're back. ;-)

in hiding

Dear Mr's Rambone and Smackdown,

I have recently escaped from my own weblog and have been taken in by a very kind cult where most of the day we work over bubbling cauldrons of lambs wool (I was so happy to learn of your sheep fucking lineage!), which we die in more than 2440002 colors to knit festive sweaters. Most often we give these to the homeless or our favorite mail carriers. My favorite's name is Sam. He comes by at least twice a day--says he likes my wool, but that's another story.

You see, man name of cordialboy runs this cult. I am not sure his intentions for us are honorable. From time to time he is nasty. Is that right for a cult leader? My understanding in pledging to the cult was that everyone would wear a mask at all times and pretend to be quite cordial (hence our leader's name, cordialboy). But the mask has dropped and I've realized many of my cult mates, especially one responsible for dying the blue wool, can be quite witchy.

I am at a loss. The only solution I have--my only hope at this juncture for making it out of this cult, or for staying over the next 30-60 years, is if you Mr. Rambone, and You Mr. Smackdown, give me all of your money, now. I am happy to meet you anywhere. I am happy to bring wool for you. Our wool is extra virgin 200 percent, which means your father's dong schwing has never touched it. Does this mean anything to you? In the will he left, he said it would.

Sheepdye Girl

Friday, December 20, 2002

Dear Mr. Rambone,

It is solely in your honourable interest that we de-cloak our secret organization to send you this urgent missive:

It is essential that you contact us immediately at the following drop spot - bringing all your cash, credit cards and other valuables. We are the only ones that can save you - our SWAT team will meet you at the appointed place, take your money, and give you the secret handshake that will enable you to command all the sheep that possess the visage of your venerable father to leave their spirits at once and dive into the body of Trent Lott. If you do not do this, who knows where this conspiracy will lead?

Thanking you deeply - Obeisances and obsequies will obviate your certain ruin!

The Smackdown Lemming Friars inc.

Ontological Therapy song

(Let's sing together to the tune of a very popular xmas song)
On the 12th day of Xmas my True Love gave to me.
Bluetooth enabled
TCP/IP addressable
Infrared port discoverable
Ontological Neurolinguistic Purple P-Spot Plug Kit
with spare batteries

Bada Bing

Dr Oseke Umalagbaminakumma Evil Doings Found in Florida

Dear Mister Eminemenemenimaneminemenima
Obviously Sir, you are sincere in your attempt of receiving 47% of $487632.23 million that is due to me and my family. However I must say that if one of your neighbor's sheep has any resemblence to my late sheep-fucking father then I beg you to stay away Sir, since this that may possibly be one of the agents of NSFAA and an impostor, and an accomplice to Dr Oseke Umalagbaminakumma who wants to distroy our family. The impostor may have the likeness of our father for Dr Oseke has already employed the services of the finest plastic surgeons in Rwanda to thwart our honest attempts of recovering the money. So in the end I thank you and I say - sacrifice the fucker.

Dear Sir Eminemenemenimaneminemenima, I am very greatful at your honesty and sincere attempt to help. As a reward I implore you to please send me your bank account number and a secret pin so that I may deposit a thank you sum of money for you without delay.

Mr Rambone


Hi Mr. Rambone,

I don't have a phone, but I do have a neighbor who has some sheep, one of whom looks a good deal like your paterfamilias of beloved memory. I will be honored to reunite you with him for a small percentage of the NSFAA's funds - say, 47%? This offer will only be open until 4 p.m., when the beast will be sacrificed to some squamous lokal deity. Certified check or AMEX only, thanks!


Let Nigerian Games Begin

It is with truest trust and confidence that I make this strictly confidential urgent business proposal. I am an eldest son of a late Mr Rambone of Nigeria. My father was the best farmer and sheep fucker in the country. For that he was exiled and we forced to leave our land and move to Zimbabwe where they have plenty of sheep.

During his sheep-fucking Nigerian days and nights my father secured $487632.23 million dollars with a Nigerian Small Fucking Animals Association. Presently now we are not permitted to fuck sheep nor go to Nigeria to reclaim my father's money. For this reason I decided to seek for a trusted and reliable foreign personality, who is willing and ready to help me claim the money and transfer the money out of the country so we can buy more sheep. I am willing and ready to offer you 20% of this money for your efforts.

I would like my proposal to be kept confidential as regards to what I explained above and you can reach me urgently via mail. Please indicate your direct telephone when replying.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Reason#47234518743 why Blogging was Invented

blogging our children into being at

Racially Insensitive Chinese Joke

This from my polish friend Kasia in Warsaw (adapted to English for your astonishment and complete waste of time)

Scene: A Young Man sits next to a Old Woman on the bus line 146 in Warsaw.
Conversations begins:
Old Woman - Excuse me. You are Chinese, right?
Young Man - No, I am not Chinese
Old Woman - Really? I thought you were Chinese.
Young Man - No, I am not! I am Polish
Old Woman - Well, then your father was Chinese, right?
Young Man - No! My father was Polish.
Old Woman - Aha! Then you mother was Chinese then!
Young Man - No! My mother was Polish too.
Old Woman - Really? I thought you were Chinese
Young Man (frustrated. wants to end this stupid conversation with this stupid old woman says) - Yeah! I am Chinese!
Old Woman - You are? That's strange because you don't look Chinese to me.

Bada Bing

Grim Reaper visits RageBoy

Ay. Oy. Tom, Hi. We must revisit this. I think that recent events show us that there is more need for Hoover Rolling and Noise Generation. But first some jokes and then I have to go to Court to pay the ticket and avoid arrest with the Dallas Police Hoover Unrolling Corporation.

So. A joke is this: Grim Reaper visits RageBoy

Middle of the night in Boulder.
Loud knocking on the front door.
A 55 year old caucasian man smoking a cigarette opens the door -
looks around.... and
On the welcome mat there stands a Grim Reaper
- but about 6 inches tall only.
- RageBoy can't believe his eyes. What the fuck?! he says
- Death looks up at him and says -
'I am a Grim Reaper from Little Creatures Division but don't you worry
I came for your hampster'.

Bada Bing

Monday, December 16, 2002

Light fantastic

Hey Marek - I'm just wondering whether the opposite of a monster that can only speak and not hear is something akin to what Lessig and others call the neutral network. It so gets out of the way that everything is audible, from any end to any end. Not to reduce what you are saying to that. I think it's richer than that, but it might encompass that. Eh?

Friday, December 13, 2002

Put Your Lights ON.

YES! YOUR LIGHTS ON. "You better put your lights on. There is a monster living under my bed, Whispering in my ear"

Talked to Tom Matrullo for over two hours last night. He is an expectant father. I am so happy for him and all the fathers too. He then sent me something I wrote a while back on his comments page before stopping blogging. Before I went a little mad. He actually said that if I just deal with my psychosis in public (as in blog places rather than in my own bathroom) than we would be better off. (I think he ment 'we' as himself and others but not me). So let's resurect this piece I wrote while my psychosis was just getting a hold of me... cause I forgot to put my lights on.

Here is what I wrote to Tom (edited a bit)

I examine my knee jerk reactions, you know those reactions you have that seem to take the immediate shape of face frowns, posture freeze or spasms of shoulders. Recently my knee jerk reactions are mostly 'numbness'.

I try to examine where my vitality went. I seem to be missing this part of me. Tom, I think mainly of your line 'media doesn't have ears' and I think of a Monster, a beast but maybe some kind of machine, humanlike perhaps. If Media is such a creature that doesn't have 'Ears' then not only can it no 'hear' what others want to express but it also is incapable of 'hearing' itself.

It appears the creature vomits noise continuously alas it can not hear itself so it must create more noise hoping to be able to hear itself ad infinitum. I wonder what it would be like to be a creature like that. Here I am with no 'Ears', no ability to 'hear' oneself I vomit noise in hopes of hearing my own self, (assuming that self in fact can express and be heard being expressed by self) and then numbness sets it since I can never hear myself.

What a hopeless life it would be to have no 'ears'. Are we in fact seeing such a creature today on TV, billboards, radio, magazines, newspapers. Is the creature then like me. A human being playing the part of the monster with no 'ears', not being able to 'hear' himself? Am I in fact producing noise here in this post in hopes of hearing my own voice? Do I have 'ears' to hear myself? My soul? does it in fact speak to me? Would my knee-jerk reactions of numbness my hopelessness of a creature who can not ever hear it's own voice?

put your lights on baby...
put your lights on.

Anybody seen Marek?

He said something about sending some new stuff this way...

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Strangers In The Niiiiiiiight . . . . .

Hi Jeneane. Still love your stuff.

Hey Marek J, you still killing me man. If I were half as funny as you I'd be half as funny as something really funny. You Crazy Gonzo Motherfucker.

Sorry for the long silence. When people say "shit happens" they often fail to mention that it happens TO you, know what I mean?

Anyway, think of it this way: GM has kept Chris fed and watered for some considerable period of time.

That's no mean feat, is it?

"It can't just be intellectual"
Sexual, by ???

Saturday, November 16, 2002

Gonzo Marketing for those who drive Blazers for 0% down

I read Gonzo Engaged. What a horrible book. So full of idealism and romantic notions that we can all 'love each other' and 'peace, love, harmony' and the Mighty Dollar. So far I have not met a person who has read the book yet. It was on the Top 10 business books that Harvard's high priesthood recommended but somehow the corporate peasants are not responding to priests recently. Instead they are working hard to get that 0% down Chevy Blazer with no payments until March 2003. No wonder I couldn't sell my car. None of those fuckers had any money left so they had to get more in debt to get the latest shit to drive to work and beautify corporate parking lot for 10 hours a day. (You can't drive it if you have to work to make payments on it, but I digress... the coroprate parking lots look nice thought)

Anyway. Back to the book. Gonzo Marketing, good reading. Whenever I feel a need for a good dose of idealism and some hope for the future I just pick it up and read and imagine myself being one of those people in the book being this strong, silent tpe John Wayne like hero telling all the corporate underlinks they are full of shit and we have to get the customers talking across the firewalls with the employees, especially the ones who got those new 0% down Blazers beautifying corporate parking lots 10 hours a day.

I actually wonder why companies don't adopt this 'Gonzo Marketing'. Why not? It's quite harmless, and it just might make a corporation more money. Just imagine if there was an Official Gonzo Marketing Implementation program, say.... at a small Bomb Factory in Oklahoma. - Instead of a typical call from a customer who says "I would like to order part number T64 dash 7YTGH32 version G for the 2001 implementation of Numba Release" he could just call and tell them "Send me some of those Catapult Release shit kickers for the Big Cocksucking Eat Shit Saddam Nuke'em Dry version G my man. Don't foreget I want the version G." -- Immediately the Customer and the Customer Representative Associate would have relatability handled. There wouldn't be any upsets on the phone nor long akward silence moments. Those two could swap stories and share their dreams of Kids growin up in safe neighborhoods, self assured in their Gonzo superiority. All would be great and dandy. I would highly recommend this Gonzo Marketing. It has people relate to each other better. It can help drop those virtual masks of 'Hello, how can I help you?' monotone voices and replace them with lively 'Hi, If you wanna kick some ass with our Bombs we are hear to help you fuck'em up. Would you like some extra granades with that?'

This Gonzo Marketing could really be helpful in our depressed economy. At least people could start being more authentic. Instead of just boasting to their coworkers about their new 0% down Blazer with no payments till March of 2003 they could just say 'Nice car but I am fucked with payments for this crap and I have to work weekends for this shit. What was I thinking?' and their coworker could open up to them and say 'I used to have a new car few years back. I am still paying for it. Yeah, you are fucked." and immediately they could have a feeling of being human beings that relate to each other in the context of community.

I definitely think Gonzo Marketing is the new trend in Corporate America. It will make Corporations more money then ever and keep the worker's violence delayed until later years after they are fired and replaced with fresh, new collage graduates. All the Management has to do is to design successful implementations of it. They can show some imagination or they can hire me to do it for the.

Let's work here on a possible scenario on how a corporation will benefit from the successful implementation of Gonzo Marketing tailored specifically by me. - Just put yourself in the shoes of your Peasants. Let's say you are one of those workers and your boss may come to you and say 'I am sorry but I am going to need you to work late today. The whole team is staying till 8pm. I need you to be a team player and stay too... and also we need to work on Saturday too. The team is coming at 9am. I need you to come at 9am too' ... Well, that line may make you a bit upset, it may envoke in you a feeling of being used. It's not good for the corporation to have workers upset. (Of course, the example above is purely imagined. No sane manager would ever say anything like this. The above example is simply borrowed from best selling management books.) - But now let's do it Gonzo Marketing way. Imagine that that boss would imploy the Gonzo Marketing Corporate Implementation Initiative. He or she could say 'Fuck. I hate to do this to you but we have to work late today. Everybody is fucking upset about this but if you stay with all of us we'll get this shit finished faster and we can all go home and get laid. And by the way this Saturday we need to come in and work on this shit cause somebody fucked up royally and we need to fix it. It sucks but we got to do this man"... This type of an announcement from a Manager would immediately create a sense of bonding, a sense of belonging and community of workers to get the fucking job done. So again I read this Gonzo Marketing and I think it's a great promise for any corporation to keep their workforce happy and more productive.

I think the biggest asset in this Gonzo methodology is for any company to just stop providing any kind of training and assistance to employees and simple annouce 'Well, We got no fucking money to train your ass. You got to buy your own books motherfuckers like everybody else on this team". Imagine the savings any corporation will achieve by implementing Gonzo Marketing. I have many more examples. Just call me to schedule a free one day Gonzo Marketing Possible Implementation Strategy Initiative. I am very happy to recommend this book to anyone.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Still listening

I'm still here (glad I put that RSS feed in to keep track of this one)

Great to see Chris (and the others) last week - if Halley or Denise has RB's handwritten off-the-cuff demolition of that sleazy COO from Harrah's (I looked in the dictionary under venal, and there was his mugshot) we should post it here!

Monday, October 07, 2002


Hey brothers, hey sisters, happy birthday!! If anyone's left out there--anyone? anyone at all?--today I wish you and the Gonzo Engaged team blog a happy one year anniversary.

Yes, it's been quiet here lately, but all indicators point to a spike in postings soon------stay tuned to see what else our friend and favorite "nut marketer" Chris Locke has in store for us............................

[cliff hanger].


Friday, August 30, 2002

I thought we WERE all out?

Here's a reply I prepared earlier.

While I'm passing, I'd like to mention ProSUA - the Campaign to Promote Science and useful Arts The current campaign is to make all congressional and Senatorial candidates aware that we care about the copyright over-reach issues. Track down your candidates and ask them questions, then blog the results. It's that simple.


Thursday, August 29, 2002


Subject: I have visited your website

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have visited and found it is a thoughtfully-designed one with much helpful information but poorly listed in many search engines. It's time to do something. Find a most effective way of advertising, find FULLPROMOTE! Best Service, lowestcost! Fullpromote will instantly submit your website to all the famous searching engines around the world.

I didn't know this was my website. Everybody out!

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Gonzo or Bozo?

Ericsson's pushing it a bit
In one initiative, dubbed Fake Tourist, 60 trained actors and actresses will haunt tourist attractions such as the Empire State Building in New York and the Space Needle in Seattle. Working in teams of two or three and behaving as if they were actual tourists, the actors and actresses will ask unsuspecting passersby to take their pictures.
Presto: instant product demonstrations.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

Through a fish, darkly

I read some of it via Babelfish and it looks interesting.

I think there is some commonality with my mediAgora ideas. here's my new short summary:

mediAgora defines rules for a market in digital media so Creators get credited and paid for their work, and Customers choose to pay a fair price.

Why is this needed? Because the media marketplace is riven by conflict between companies that profit from scarcity of physical goods and access, and those who assume that because works are easy to copy they need not be paid for. In either case, the creators lose out.

mediAgora is GPL-like, as a work sold through it can be incorporated in other works under the same terms - if you use my music as a background to your video, your customers should pay me the price I set for that music, as well as paying you your price for the video. This avoids the endless rights haggling that hinders so many productions.

mediAgora rewards you when you promote a work in a way that leads to a sale. Share new music or movies with your friends, and when they buy their copies, you get a cut. Creators don't see their royalties disappear in unaudited promotion fees - payment is strictly by results.

We all create - free speech and a free market can get us paid.

Friday, July 19, 2002


Metáfora is a brazilian project. It´s very intersting to realize how easy is the conversation in our markets. As Tom Matrullo said once the gigantus homos analiticus have a suspicious mind. I do believe that countries like Brazil, India and... Italy(?) have a diferencial for new markets approaches.
An Open Source Project

Let me introduce the Metáfora Project. It´s a kind of open researching and developing of ideas based on the open source initiative ans free software movement. But instead to aplly it to software we are working to catalize the conversation in markets. Using the colective intelligence and copyleft concepts to the intelectual production.

The Metáfora site uses the wiki interface in order to to ensure to all its members the ability to add new ideas and projects to add news ideas and projects. We have already about 55 members (and growing speedy) and several new projects (including the Daniel Pádua´s Blogchalking). I really think it´s going to succed as an engaged pro active community case. BTW... it´s written in portuguese... no translation till now

Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Marketing a market

I know everyone is citing Janis Ian on the Internet debacle but check out the rest of her articles - talk about voice!

She explains far better than I ever could why we need to make something like I propose at mediAgora

Thursday, June 27, 2002

Locke on Gonzo

Mother gonzo is running off to a parent-teacher conference, but not before I point you to George Partington's great interview with Chris Locke on Gonzo Marketing. I like the part where Chris slams his ankle into his desk. Okay, I haven't read the whole thing, but that struck me as a genuinely human moment from a genuinely human guy. I'm sure there are more gems just like that. Read on... gonzo on...

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

Honesty needed for business

George Trefgarne, city edito ro the Daily Telegraph says that post-Enron, INtegrity is demanded more then ever before:
In the Noughties, many people suspect those in power tell porkies. Teenagers are especially cynical. You might think it rich coming from a generation that is itself pretty untrustworthy, stealing mobile phones etc, but according to a new survey in the latest issue of The Face magazine, around 80 per cent of 16- to 29-year-olds reckon you can't believe corporations or the media.

Such sentiments are not confined to yoof. The Daily Telegraph's poll by YouGov last week found more than half of all voters don't trust the Government.

You could be forgiven for thinking the world is run by gangsters. Well, would that it was, some might say. At least they have standards, which is more than can be said for an executive selling shares in his company even as he knows the whole thing is about to go down the pan; or a dodgy accountant; or a spin doctor trying to stitch up Black Rod; or advertisers making wildly exaggerated claims; or the ex-directors of Equitable Life, who disgracefully tried to wriggle out of a promise of guaranteed annuities.
But government failure is as much to blame as market failure for this phenomenon. Leaving aside the issue of spin, our poor education system is not much help in the development of "social capital" - the human values and skills on which a market-oriented economy rests.

But, generally speaking, the last thing we want is the Government sticking its nose in and interfering. Far better for individuals to take responsibility for their own conduct and dust down the values on which the market is, once again, putting a premium: honesty, self-restraint and personal integrity.

Is your word really your bond? It had better be.

A call for Gonzo Authenticity?

Young Grrrl Reveals All...

The Andrea James interview is available for your edification and delight. Come on by. Also, a little memic propagation wouldn't hurt if you find that you've enjoyed the interview.

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

Gonzo Marketing Movie from 1947

Seasonally inappropriate, but the movie I watched tonight was Miracle on 34th Street which has Santa founding truth-based marketing. 'Don't buy it here at Macy's - go to Gimmels where its cheaper'.

Monday, June 17, 2002

I vote for "Authentic"

Wow! What a scathing, unkind piece that personally attacks all those people who were willing to share their actual life/work experiences with a product. The switch stories are individual and obviously heartfelt and it was, imho, a stroke of Gonzo genius on Apple's part to choose to market its products this way. As a recent convert myself I've been meaning to submit a story, and Orlowski's piece was probably just what I needed to prompt me to take the plunge and explain why my Mac is not "a punishment surrogate, a child substitute or a masturbation object," but the most innovative and headache-relieving computing tool I've ever had the pleasure of using. They could easily re-brand from "Apple" to "Advil." (May have to throw that in.)

Apple's Real People - Gonzo?

Andrew Orlowski attacks Apple's Real People Ads:
Ease of use is a strong suite for Apple - particularly with its recent consumer apps - so unusually for advertising, this is a new campaign which promises to something approaching the truth. It's a strong premise, but what sinks it is the execution.

Quite frankly, this new ad campaign is terrifying. No, it's worse than that - it's a theatre of cruelty that makes victims of Apple's loyal Macintosh user base.

I think he is unnecessarily abusive about their looks, but is it just that seeing people in Ads who aren't models disturbs him? Is Apple's switch campaign Gonzo? Are these people's voices authentic, or has the process of selection removed that?

Some Gonzo Thoughts On Corporate Blogging

From Sean Carton, clickZ, "Macromedia Blogs and the Death of the 'Official Story.'"
From Dave Rogers, Can Blogs Find A Place In The Corpocracy?
From me, "'Official Story,' Meet 'Trusty Spokesperson.'"

(Phew, I could use an injection from Shelley's Needle about now.)

Thursday, June 13, 2002

Global Warming - a feedback proposal

Here's an idea that struck me last summer when CA was going through power cuts every time it got hot.
Pass a law requiring all Air Conditioning to be solar powered.
Baseload electricity can nicely be supplied by Nuclear & Hydro (or Gas if you must - we should still stop using Coal, and reduce dependency on Oil).
The bulk of the power spikes in hotter parts of the US are driven by Air conditioning demand, which is almost perfectly correlated with available solar energy.

Eat your feeds

I think we now have an RSS Feed

Tuesday, June 11, 2002

Deconstructing Me

I thought you all might want to see Frank Paynter on Jeneane Sessum over on Sandhill. I may not pull out all the stops, but I confess enough I think, what with the losing my virginity to my husband, smoking pot in college, and wading my way through family alcohol torture. Oh I think I mention blogging too. Not to mention sex in the sea, bowling alley, and other places. GONZO! --jeneane

Monday, June 10, 2002

Cluetrain, MS and the British Government

It seems someone at Microsoft UK wants to make Chris Locke into a liar. You remember that opening passage from Internet Apocalypso?

We die.

You will never hear those words spoken in a television ad. Yet this central fact of human existence colors our world and how we perceive ourselves within it.

"Life is too short," we say, and it is.

Well, some of the millions MS spent on launching the X-box went on an ad specifically designed to falsify this claim:

It starts with a woman giving birth to a baby boy who then shoots out of a window in a surreal sequence.

Viewers then saw the boy ageing rapidly as he flies through the air screaming, before violently crashing into his own grave.

The advert ends with the payoff: "Life is short. Play more."

Fortunately this crisis has been averted. The British Independent Television Commission has banned this shocking violation of normality.

Is this a sinister quid pro quo deal, with Doc Searls flying in to dispense clues in return?

Lets leave the last word to Chris:

We die. And there's more than one way to get it over with. Advertising has some serving suggestions for your premature burial.

Thursday, June 06, 2002

Warming Jitters

Thanks for your input, Kevin. This is such a complex issue. There's plenty of room for diasgreement on approaches to the problem. What disturbs me is the level of denial. It takes adroit, committed leadership to move a culture out of denial. You won't get it from W on this issue.

What's he concerned about? His conservative base, apparently. After hearing their outrage over the EPA report, Bush is quickly distancing himself from said report. So it's back to square one: "Folks, don't believe what my experts are telling you. We don't necessarily have a problem here. Get on with your lives." Why am I not surprised?

The media are equal culprits in this. Have you noticed how back-page the coverage has been? Media defenders would probably retort that the media is just following the public. Joe Public doesn't give a shit, so the media isn't going to give a shit either.

It isn't just the prez that's got to provide the leadership. The media has a role as well. But where is it going to come from? What scares me is that the Republicans have developed too many political smarts. They know there aren't any votes in this. Forget the Earth. It's War, baby, all the way to re-election.

Anyway, Kevin, thanks for the link to Viridian. There's a lot there and I haven't had time yet to absorb it. It looks promising.

My wife tells me that I'm addicted to worst-case scenarios. While she may be right, I can't help thinking that a bit of alarmism is appropriate in this case. The threat of nuclear attack is the only thing I can think of that's more alarming than global warming.

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

Global Warming

OK, Tom, I'll take the bait. Kyoto would have done nothing to stop this. What would work is tradable carbon quotas, but Kyoto wasn't into that. If you want people to use less energy, put the price up. It worked for us in California.
Moving electricity generation baseload to nuclear from coal is the biggest, cleanest thing we could do about this. Strangely, this is never high on the list of pro-Kyoto activists either. Here's what I said in April:

US nuclear generation creates about 2,000 tons of high-level waste per year.
This worries people, and it is thus treated with lots of care, and its storage is the subject of much debate.

Coal generation, creates about 100 million tons. And it's exempt from being treated as hazardous waste!

Coal waste has approximately 20-30 parts per million of Uranium.

Lets do the maths then:

100 million tons x 25 parts per million = 2,500 tons of uranium from the coal industry per year.

So, the coal industry is generating more nuclear waste per year as the nuclear one, but they are just chucking it in landfills and the atmosphere.

And that's just counting Uranium, not other radionuclides - never mind greenhouse gases, Mercury and other toxins that last forever, unlike radioactive waste that has a half-life.

According to the DoE, there are 2-3 billion tons of coal finings already lying around near coal mines - enough that its worth them researching a way to turn them back into coal.

Getting us weaned from coal generation onto nuclear and other alternatives should be the focus of energy policy.

Now what we really need is a massive class action suit against coal companies for poisoning us, creating greenhouse gases and dumping radioacive waste into the atmosphere.

For a Gonzo approach to this whole subject, go visit Bruce Sterling's Viridian group

Tuesday, June 04, 2002

Blogtank Massive Failure Project

Hey guys. Just wanted to invite you to a discussion to put Gonzo Marketing into practice at Blogtank. I asked a question and people responded. I also wrote some ideas about how to proceed. Come over and Make Some Noise. Thanks

Monday, June 03, 2002

Revival Anyone?

Maybe we need a little political crossfire to get this blog moving again. It's worth a try, at least. So, in that spirit, I'll reprint my post today from my blog:

Catch Those Alpine Meadows While You Can

Time to bestow another one of my "Huh? Lemme See If I Got That Straight" Awards. This time the award goes to George W. Bush and his entire environmental team. They quietly issued a report today--"U.S. Climate Action Report 2002"-- admitting, after years of denial, that, yes, global warming is actually happening and, yes, it presents a serious threat to the quality of the environment.

Oh, and the responsible party, according to the report? Human beings. How about that? Thought it might have been those pesky dolphins.

If you're tempted to say, "Way to go, W! Glad to see you got it right this time," consider the Administration's recommendation for responding to the threat. I'll quote from the New York Times so that you won't think that I'm making this up:

"It recommends adapting to inevitable changes.(my emphasis) It does not recommend making rapid reductions in greenhouse gases to limit warming, the approach favored by many environmental groups and countries that have accepted the Kyoto Protocol, a climate treaty written in the Clinton administration that was rejected by Mr. Bush."

And what are the changes which the report predicts and asks us to "adapt to?"

"the United States will be substantially changed in the next few decades — 'very likely' seeing the disruption of snow-fed water supplies, more stifling heat waves and the permanent disappearance of Rocky Mountain meadows and coastal marshes, for example — (yet) it does not propose any major shift in the administration's policy on greenhouse gases."

The Bushies are trying to have it both ways. They will try to say to the environmentally-conscious swing voters that they've cleaned up their environmental act, while at the same time doing nothing to offend the Big Energy Crowd to whom they're beholden.

You'd like to think that they won't get away with it. I wouldn't count on it. First of all, the candy-ass, pussyfooting Democrats have shrunk from developing any authentic voice to effectively question and counter-attack this mean-spirited, dangerous mindlessness to which we are being subjected.

Secondly, according to political observers, suburban Moms are no longer the swing vote that counts. Suburban Dads have deftly been identified by the Repubs as the new swing vote treasure. This group, by and large, loves the beat of the war drums, and they're too exhausted from all those hours in their office cubicles to give a shit about Alpine Meadows.

Well, I've managed to break my self-imposed rule against ranting. I couldn't help it this time. Sometimes those shithead Boys-Currently-In-Charge just cause me to lose it.

Saturday, June 01, 2002

Bop a Rep

Wish they'd had this back when I was fielding scores of calls every week from cliche-spouting media reps--a great new game on the Web, "Upfront."

The media buyer starts the game with a supply of staplers, bagels, and other projectiles which are pelted at the virtual reps as they pop up from behind desks and filing cabinets--mouthing their usual lines like, "'We'd like to talk to you about out-of-the-box ideas' and "creating new paradigms," or "building long-term relationships."

The game was developed and is offered by G4, the media network for gamers. Is this a great marketing ploy or what? Looks like they've got some "out-of-the-box" types over there.


I'm with you Tom. It won't be "blogads" that help this happen. But there is something to the regional flavor emerging in some blogging pockets--the Boston bloggers, and some on the west coast as examples. They would be my go-to source if I lived in those areas and needed to find out how reliable a business was, or if I were traveling to the area and wanted to know the best hotel for my family. But as I'm finding out now, I'd be just as likely to pick up the phone and call one of them, because I it seems that I'm talking to at least one blogger--who have actually ceased being "bloggers" to me and have crossed the chasm to "friendship" -- every week.

Ah, for another post, another time.


Friday, May 31, 2002


The article is called "Making a Living from Blogging," and it offers some stimulating thoughts. But this seems a bit much:

"Eventually, a sufficient density of local blogs could make Blogads an effective tool for selling local goods and services."

Wednesday, May 29, 2002

Sing this with me...

The EFF parody 'The Mickey Mouse Club' to fight the CBDTPA.
Cory explains what parody is.

The phrases 'Mickey Mouse Copy Protection' and 'Mickey Mouse Computer' need to enter the language in this context - as in 'Do you want a Mickey Mouse computer that stops you making music?'

Friday, May 24, 2002 - Technology - Technology
Julie Strietelmeier suddenly has a bunch of new suitors.

The 37-year-old, who operates a Web site on electronic gadgets as a hobby, recently was courted by Sharp Electronics Corp., which paid her way to California for the launch of its new hand-held computer. Microsoft Corp. also vied for Ms. Strietelmeier's attention by paying for a trip to Seattle so she could attend a shindig on its Pocket PC hand-held software. Palm Inc. has invited her to attend gatherings and to join an exclusive mailing list. And Handspring Inc. has offered to lend her an assortment of its products.

"It's quite flattering," says Ms. Strietelmeier, a software programmer who runs her Web site, the Gadgeteer ( at nights out of her home in Columbus, Ind. "Of course I like it," she says of the attention. "Who wouldn't?"

With tough times in Silicon Valley, many makers of hand-held devices, facing cuts in their marketing and advertising budgets, are trying to woo people like Ms. Strietelmeier, one of about 50 around the country known by the industry as "influencers."

This is almost Gonzo, but it still has a bit too much of broadcast feel to it for me. Encouraging sign though.

Landing in the Zone of Gonzo Politics

Excuse my flailings as I try to figure out where this snippet of text will land, or even it is lands in the Gonzo Politics thread. Funnily enough, we're working with a small team of people in Ireland, trying to set up and run a wireless blogging network for a series of conferences in the autumn. If our work is successful, we will be able to reduce mailing list chaos by implementing a more coherent flow of blogged comments.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Gonzo Politics

Eric - what you need is to start a conversation. Gather up email addresses at your meeting, and start a mailing list ( makes this fairly easy).

You'll need to marshall it,but hopefully the conversation will get going.

Once you have a conversation, pick some issues, and set up a blog for each one. Invite people to join in. Escalate good postings from the chaos of the email list to the semi-permanace of the blog.

None of this will work though, unless your group contains people who can write (and think) clearly; finding them will be the hard part.

If you do find them, tell us about them, and if we like them, we'll tell our friends. It worked for Andrew...

I can't speak for Jeneane as to why , but you can comment here, but you need to do it in front of the class, on the main thread. It stops the conversation fragmenting. Layers of comments are only really needed with a much bigger group (cf slashdot, boingboing, metafilter). Doing it this way helps focus the discussion (IMO), as one is more likely to reflect before posting, thus getting closer to the ideal writing/reading time ratio.
I've been wondering about the implications of gonzo for politics. Current politics, although different in certain specific aspects, still uses primarily a broadcast model. The primary goal of which is to sell their product (candidate) by way of advertising (TV spots; yard signs; personal appearances). They use "focus groups", much of which has watered down the discourse to the least common demoninator of what they think we are thinking, which leads to fucking boredom. And I think that is really why the kids don't vote (not to mention us old kids). It is the same reason that we'd rather get online and chat than read a press release. Ugh. Hell, I'd rather get a molar pulled than read a press release!

Anyway, the reason for blogging this, really is to get some feedback. I'm looking to organize a forum for progressive groups in Ohio to look at the Internet and how it can be used to better support their causes. I heard recently in a meeting of progressive types the familiar lines: "We started a website, but nobody came." "We have an email link, but nobody uses it." "The Internet is not the silver bullet for political activism." To which I said, "Horseshit. It Is! You're just not using it right yet." OK, so that's what I wanted to say. I chickened out. Bock Bock!

So while sitting there thinking about organizing a forum (mostly due to the "Internet doesn't work" comments), I look down at my copy of Gonzo Marketing and start thinking about how it applies to politics. What are your thoughts?

I've also been wondering why we can't comment on entries here...
I guess there was a problem with the blogspot server...needed to republish. Done.

Friday, May 17, 2002

Gonzo Humanitarianism and Environmentalism

Wow. Thanks for the kudos, folks. I am seriously happy to be blogging with you guys. I hope to learn, grow, teach, and laugh a great deal as I continue to meet more people with the cluetrain spirit. I am in the pumped state, Jeneane. The same one I was in for months over Cluetrain. Hell, I even wrote a long polemic and distributed to managers at my old company at an annual meeting (flop). Anyway, thanks. You may come to regret it.

I wanted to blog this because I think it is 1) very interesting, and 2) seems to have a gonzo spirit at first glance:

ThinkCycle - Open Collaborative Design

ThinkCycle is using both open source and collaborative computing theories to work in the real world of design focusing on humanitarian and environmental problems of the world. This is the kind of thing that needs to be replicated. It is focused - giving it a better chance to succeed in terms of interest and participation. It is open - [sarcasm] which makes it a bottom-up process that has been somewhat successfull for a little known operating system [/sarcasm]. And to top it all off, it is designed well and appears to be programmed well as well. Well, well, well. (Just seeing how many times I could say "well". Well! Eight. Not bad.

ThinkCycle. Gonzo at work in the world (OK, open source should get more credit, but it is all the same, really)

Thursday, May 16, 2002

Eric's Gold

Let me add my welcome to Eric. We need some fresh blood in here to get things going again. Eric's blood obviously runs true and swift. That was as sharp a take on Gonzo as I've seen.

Let me offer a personal experience of what Eric's talking about:
there's a great CD shop in my neck of the woods-Hear Music. They have about a dozen listening stations throughout the shop, each hooked into eight CD's or so. The stations are grouped into idiosyncratic, intriguing categories by the various employees of the store. In addition, you can take any CD you want to a central listening station and they'll play it for you.

On average, it's about five or six bucks per CD over internet prices. I started to get cold feet the last time I made a multiple purchase there. I calculated how much extra it was costing me over a year's time to do my buying there. Then I thought about the "one-hit wonders" to which Eric refers--all the ones I didn't have to buy because I had had the opportunity to listen to them at this wonderful store (and, yes Eric, there sure are a shitload of these rip-offs out there).

I realized that the money I had saved far outweighed the extra per-CD cost. And I'm so appreciative of this merchant's hip and helpful employees, I wouldn't dream of going there just to listen, only to head home and log on to Amazon.

Obviously, a lot of loyal customers feel the same way. Hear Music has had nothing to fear from the rise of e-commerce. Their greatest period of growth has coincided with the rise of the Web. And the icing on the cake: their dedication to the listening experience of their customers caught the attention of Starbuck's, who in '99 awarded them the contract for creating album mixes for their cafes.

So, yes, Uncle Eric, there's gold in them thar' Gonzo, customer-up models.

Taking blogging to the streets

Our own boy wonder, Chris Locke was on Marketplace Morning Report this morning, a radio show that captures the earballs of some 2,000,000 listeners (yup, I said two million).

You can listen to the RealAudio stream here or go to the homepage and click on "The Best of Today's Morning Report."

Tess Vigeland was so fascinated with the topic that she extended the segment from something like two minutes to a full six or seven minutes.

We owe it to the man. Blog the hell out of this.

And while I'm at it, Eric, HELLO! I'm SO glad you're here. You sound like I did just after finishing Gonzo. Drink it, breathe it, live it, don't stop, don't quit, write it, love it, hate it, trash it, burn it, reconstruct it, sleep with it, dream with it, sweat it, taste it, create and recreate it, shape it, and take it out--way out. I'm with ya, Les.

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Gonzo Latecomer

OK, so I never did buy the fucking book. Even after I kept getting all these inflammatory emails from some jackass whose Topica list I was dumb enough to subscribe to. So I see Gonzo Marketing in the library and I think, "What the hell!", and pile it on my stack of Linux tutorials and Lester Brown's Eco-Economy (couldn't find Natural Capitalism by Amory Lovins - rats). Man am I glad I decided to start with Gonzo (Does anyone else have this problem with books - I read 5 at the same time until I get hooked to one and toss the rest - or am I just mental). Holy shit. What was I thinking. I've read Cluetrain four times now and I was dumb enough not to buy this one sight-unseen. [shakes head in personal disgust]

So while pretending to work today (kidding boss, I was working. I read on lunch hour, er, um half hour), I was reading Gonzo Marketing and making notes (is THAT normal...please tell me that's normal). Do I use too many damned parentheses? (what do you think?). Here is a bit of my notes:

Gonzo Marketing: The question really does come down to quality. It matters much more now. In mass marketing, you could sell inferior junk because your goal was to blast the message (ad) to millions of eyeballs and hook a certain percentage (I'm reminded of the shoveling chum scene in Jaws...not sure why. HOOPER!). With Gonzo Marketing, you can't do that. In fact, you had better make damned sure your shit is great or you will essentially be marketing for your competitors! Napster proved this to the record industry. The old model allowed them to put out 11 shit tracks and 1 hit and sell tons of records. Ever get pissed off after you buy the album with "that one cool song" on it only to discover that one song was all she wrote? Not anymore, Jack. The conversation is real. And it goes a little somthin' like 'dis:

"Dude. Did you download that Slayer album?"
"Yep. All crap but track nine."
"No shit. I'm gonna have to burn a compilation!"

Now imagine that same conversation concerning the latest Tool release:

"Dude. (the kids always say "dude"...maybe we can use that in our personalization) Did you hear the Aenima album?"
"Fucking A. I got 5 tracks off Napster and they all rock!"
"Straight up. I'm gonna have to get that one!"
"No doubt"

See? Now this is precisely what the RIAA and most of the labels just can't get through their copyrighted skulls:

New Economy Rule #1 For Selling Records:
Make an awesome record. Give away the tracks. Sell a bunch or records.

A smart label would have strongly supported Napster and would have employed music enthusiasts (or better yet, set up a site for them) to get online and talk to the kids. I said to. Not at. Because, as Metallica used to say: "What about the kids?!" Wonder what changed their minds?

There's a billion dollar formula for you folks. Just a little tip from your uncle Eric.

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

Developer, meet Prospect: why don't you two blog a bit?

I'm getting a big Gonzo kick out of Rick Klau's (V.P. of Vertical Markets, Interface Software, Inc.) exchange with Christopher Smith (knowledge management guru with A Very Large Law Firm). This, as they say, is what it's all about, and reinforces Kevin's point below (though I have no idea if either of the companies knows about the boys' blogs - suspect not, in Christopher's case). Blogged a little more here.

Sunday, May 12, 2002

They may want to read this

About Macromedia turning its support staff and some developers loose on blogs to nurture and facilitate communities that discuss and support their products. Beautimous.

Help this chap out

PhotoDude (link via Doc) needs help explaining the value proposition of a Gonzo approach to the client asked to forgo shouty branding in favour of discreet support of online communities.

I think this partly misses the point - Chris's examples often involve the company in little more than giving permission to its employees to use their authentic voices in public fora and basking in the reflected glory.

Friday, May 10, 2002

Worth noting here

Just a note on Jack Schoflield's superb piece about Locke in the Guardian, and a few of what are probably many more notices of it: Jeneane, Marek, Doc, David W., and me. The link to Google history supplied by Jeneane is a great example of Google's powers of documentation.

Wednesday, May 08, 2002

i'm a goober

Gee, Sorry Kevin and Bix. I'm burning the midnight oil as mom/worker/blogger. no wonder. i also joined both of those gang blogs at about the same time and have thus far failed you both as far as participation goes. You're in good company at least--I haven't finished Small Pieces either. Ugh.

So, still, thanks Kevin for fixing the links and any other house cleaning you want to do.

Now, I must sleep, as soon as I finish this latest white paper and press release............ miles to go.............

Umm. thanks

Actually, the SPLJ gang blog was started by B!x - I'm just mouthing off about Nietzsche, philosophy, Ludwig of Bavaria perfume, asynchrony, game theory and thermodynamics.

The Gang blog I tried to start was Nonzero but I couldn't get enough of you to read it...

Admin note too

Let's all give Kevin a big Gonzo yeehaw! Can you tell this joint's gotten a little depressing and empty over the last few months? Yah, I know. As RB's soul goes, so goes RGE. While the faithful few continue with great conversation, the blog ain't what it used to be. It's got me missing Shirkey, and that's never good.

We gotta refresh the links, list some new blood, do some creative stuff. I've asked Kevin Marks, aforemention fixer of links, to co-administer this blog with me, so, that means you should kiss up to him now. Although Kevin is busy with his own gang blog on the Small Pieces book, he's offered to pitch in around here when he has time. Thanks again, Kevin. Any ideas from the group about how to lively up ourselves would be good.

And on that note, and if you feel like reelin', check out the latest EGR, RageBoy unplugged (someone musta already used that once upon a time, but, it felt like that to me). There's too much I could say, so I'll shut up. I'm going to the back of the class now to doodle.

Monday, May 06, 2002

Admin note

Blogger stopped generating archives for this blog a while back, so I smacked it about the head and they are back now. This is why the permalinks were failing - there was no archive page there.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled silence.

Wednesday, May 01, 2002

New resource - copyfight

First, Marek, thank you for blogging about RageBoy's Tungsten Heart. I've been wandering inside his last two sends here and I haven't been quite ready, focused, and willing to hurt enough to blog on them myself--yet. But it's coming.

Wanted to let folks know of a new blog dedicated to intellectual property issues. Thanks to Hylton Jolliffe for the link. The blog is edited by Donna Wentworth of the Berkman Center. Donna's been at the Berkman since 1997 and is editor of The Filter. technology. Hylton says to send comments, suggestions to or at The site says of itself:

"Here we'll explore the nexus of legal rulings, Capitol Hill policy-making, technical standards development and technological innovation that create--and will recreate--the networked world as we know it."

Hearty undertaking. Denise and Kevin, I thought this might be right up your alley!

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Rageboy's Rubber Soul and his Tungsten Heart

Rageboy is naked and he burns brightly

A little older, I saw the same surprise in your eyes. In their depths,
a hidden universe unfolding. A hidden door. Alive. Life looking back
at me. And I realized than that I have in myself the capacity for awe,
for worship, for wonder. For love. Not a fantasy. Not a dream. Real.
Living breathing here and now. But knowing this is more than common
knowledge. Much more than pedestrian everyday fact. It is magic to say
to a real person: I see the world in you.

I am a son of an electrician. I grew up with talks of light, electric light but light nevetherless. The electrical light is possible only when there is a light-bulb, a container, a see-through container that hold a piece of metal, its heart, which burns brightly when plugged into the source.

Tugsten is used for the heart, it has the highest melting point of all metals, but it easily oxidises in the presence of air. The heart can only burn when immersed in the vacuum, it has to be in the presence of no air to give off light. The light-bulb burns out when air surrounds it

The container has to have a see-through quality, the most possible nakedness desired, or no one will be able to see the light of the heart. Glass, resistant to corrosion of somethingness on the outside of the lightbulb and the nothingness on the inside, is used for that purpose.

Light-bulb was desinged to imitate human beings when their soul is totally naked and their heart burns brightly. Don't give Rageboy any air, the fucker will burn out. No air I said!

Saturday, April 27, 2002

I am being fair . . . . aren't I?

I acknowledge(d) the contribution that experienced, intelligent marketing makes to any business.

But do you really think you need to do the "big dig" to find out that people entering a food business want it to be clean?


And actually keeping it clean, being nice to customers, etc, is all part of properly managing *any* such business. It has little, if anything, to do with marketing per se, afaics.

Friday, April 26, 2002

Be fair, Denver

In the article, this is what he said about marketing Starbucks without TV advertising:

...when I first started doing my research about how consumers perceived Starbucks, I was amazed at how few retailers actually paid attention to the in-store experience. Things like cleanliness and ways to be unique among competitors were totally ignored. I realized that we had an opportunity to influence everything that happened once the consumer walked in [to a store]. I thought redesigning the stores, and focusing as much as possible on making Starbucks a unique and pleasant experience, was going to be more effective than a big ad campaign.

So if Jordon's local Starbucks is a pleasant looking place with calming music and decent coffee, that is how it was designed...
(On a personal note, my employer completely transformed the in-house catering a few years back by hiring a top restaurant manager and giving him carte blanche to hire others, as long as the food side was self-supporting. The food is excellent now, and they roast and blend their own coffee beans, making it delicious, and half the price of Starbucks. In fact I think I'll go down and get one now).

Bad coffee and marketing

I see what you are saying. The attachment I have with Starbucks is with the product and the store (which is staffed by people and visited by people who I also connect with) not a logo. You are right about advertising. Point well taken.

Worth Repeating

Dan Gillmor, technology columnist for the San Jose Mercury News, says he has been inundated with e-mail since launching a Weblog in 1999, sparking online discussions that have helped change his approach to journalism.
“My readers know more than I do, and that’s a liberating notion, not a scary one,” he says. “Every journalist ought to realize it’s true. No matter what you cover, your readers know more collectively than you do. If we can capture that, we all come out ahead.”
If you think of traditional journalism as a lecture, Gillmor said, Weblogs include elements of a seminar and conversation. “The division that has existed between the journalist and the audience is blurring, and that’s a good thing,” he says.

See the whole article Here.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002


You're not wrong.

Usually, that is my function.

But ask yourself this question: Was it the marketing department that performed (and continues to perform) its job to the point that you were attracted into this emotional attachment?

Or put it another way: If the marketing department had done its job exactly the same as it has, but this particular Starbucks was a grubby little shit-hole with burnt coffee, surly staff, and correspondingly poor service, would the attachment still exist?

I'm not saying that marketing doesn't have a valid role in a corporation, but I'm suspicious of professional marketers attempts to pretend that they are the (major) reason for a company's success in the marketplace, which is at least a little bit how this article reads.

"co-contributors to success" - that I can buy.

Note to self

learn french.

Arafat Emerges from his Compound

This blog and the land of gonzo in general have been suffering from the captivity of RageBoy lately. Quietly, behind the scenes, RB's boy wonder, Chris Locke, has been chain smoking in his compound, communicating only with a few unshowered associates, as he writes to make sense of life, inhumanity, abuse, love, love lost, love that maybe never was, fucking faeries, and other things that only people who have been pulling for him lately would understand--that means you guys. Read it if you haven't. Caution: Golby-sized download.


Gonzo engaged in France ? some news.

French elections... Nothing to say. Humiliation.
We lunched yesterday with Remi and Eric. We want to build !
French people have some difficulties to understand the weblogging spirit.
Our first french partyblog should be online soon !

The first french article to adapt your team spirit is available here in a Sand Box....
If you want to translate it in english, we would be happy. You can steal it !
Remi is telling a story à propos d'un "consumer qui veut acheter une voiture" : La TurboTraction ! It's a conversation between an Expert Emarketing and a consumer.

La marque d’automobiles Turbotraction est très présente sur le Web. Un Expert E-Marketing nous explique sommairement comment créer un dispositif E-CRM (customiser relations hip management) pour recruter (vendre un produit), puis fidéliser (en vendre un deuxième), l’immense majorité des internautes qui -d’une manière ou d’une autre- se retrouvent un jour sur la page d’accueil du site Monsieur Martin est l’un de ces internautes et nous donne son point de vue. Ce n’est que celui d’un internaute lambda (mais il peut éventuellement être considéré dans la mesure ou c’est celui d’un individu susceptible de débourser 15 000 euros pour s’offrir l’un des fleurons de la gamme).

We're thinking on a brand which could be XXXXX ;-) It could become a small webzine. We'll let you know. Xtof (Ile de France)

I can read people's thoughts.

Using an ancient technology, handed down over millennia, improved and refined along the way, I am able to read people's thoughts.

Starbucks is selling a legal addictive substance, nicely packaged. Of course you like it. But look around. Most likely there is a smaller, more personal source for good coffee there. I like Peets myself, mostly becaue they sell good leaf tea too.

Denver, people can form emotional connections to companies and products (try abusing Apple computers online and see how many emotional responses you get). Televisual advertising is always trying to provoke an emotional response. It often is successful, but it is nto always convincing.

The Gonzo point is that companies can't feel emotions. They don't fall in love.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Denver, I want to agree with what you are saying but I keep finding myself to the rather unhealthy connection I have with Starbucks. I enjoy their coffee and even the Starbucks branded coffee cup I payed too much for. To even get to a Starbucks in Saskatoon one has to venture onto the campus of the University of Saskatchewan and fight for a parking spot yet I find myself doing that daily, just so I can grab a cup of Starbucks. That doesn't seem rationalle and it happens at Starbucks locations all over the continent. Maybe you can build a connection...
" Product differentiation within any consumer category is important to develop. But consumers may not perceive your product, taken on its own, as truly different. So the problem, and the opportunity, is to really build some kind of emotional connection between the brand and the consumer. "

(my emphasis added)

My problem with this notion is that:

1. It promulgates the idea that a company *can* build an emotional connection with a human being. I question this notion very strongly.

2. It further assumes that such a connection can be built by the unilateral action of one entity, without any particular prior interest or commitment on behalf of the other. I'm even more skeptical about this idea.

Now it may be that this is simply sloppy language, and that he means to say that the company can create an attractive brand, which in turn may induce customers to invest some emotion in their purchasing decisions, but even that seems a bit shonky to me.

For me, this sort of marketing boils down to promising people what they've just told you they want. Isn't that what all the "big dig" is about?

Whether or not your company actually delivers as promised will be the real test of your brand, the only one that really matters, in my opinion, as a customer.


how do I get this blog to link to specific posts? I mean, when others link to a post, it goes to the top of that day or all days. I tweeked something a while back that seemed to work for a minute, but not anymore. technical advice--pretty please?

Just Do It. Then Do It Differently.

Advice from marketing master Scott Bedbury -- the man who built Nike and Starbucks into power brands.

Interesting article on the marketing of Nike and Starbucks. I don't agree with all of it but it makes for an interesting read.

Monday, April 22, 2002

You must live at my house

It's destructo land here. There's nowhere to put anything. Toys and crap litter my life. And I'd like the idea of not wasting Toy packaging, but instead having the manufacturer actually INCLUDE a storage device, like a simple ziplock bag. I've never bought from Klutz, but I'm going to check them out. I opened a present for my daughter last night, and it had 22 of those twist ties, attaching every little piece and bit to the cardboard backing. My fingers were raw before I had all the pieces undone. What the hell is up with that? Be glad you have a boy--the Barbie paraphanalia is the worst!

On a side note, it looks like RageBoy's back from London. Possible download coming soon!


Sunday, April 21, 2002

Help me market this meme

While tidying up my son's birthday presents from yesterday, I had a great idea to improve the marketing of toys to parents. Instead of shrink-wrapping the little bits and bobs inside the packet, put them in ziplock bags, so when it is time to tidy them up you have somewhere robust to keep them. The only toy manufacturer I have seen do this is Klutz books, whom I can recommend unreservedly. Their Lego crazy action contraptions book comes with the Lego you need in a Ziplock bag stuck to the front.

Why can't Playmobil and Lego and K-nex do this too? I put the away in Ziplock's I buy myself, of course, but the experience would be better if they came in them.